The Oscars Were Super Boring, But We Watched ‘Em Anyway

Confession time: I fell asleep during “Birdman.” couldn’t make it through “The Grand Budapest Hotel,” and instead of watching all the movies this year, I halfheartedly researched the plots before tuning into last night’s Oscars’ telecast. Despite being unenthused about the nominees, I love the spectacle and the pomp and circumstance of the Academy Awards. Here’s what went down.

Red Carpet Shenanigans

Jennifer Lopez is 45 years old, everyone. Forty-fucking-five. Even in this mess of nude colored tulle, she is fresher than you, me, your baby sister and everyone else.

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Chrissy Teigen and John Legend continue their reign as best celebrity couple, ever.

Your dirtbag boyfriend Jared Leto cleans up real nice. He showed up in a powder blue tuxedo, fresh oxfords and a giant, beautiful tangle of the best highlighted hair in the industry, looking like Jesus on prom night.

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Scarlett Johansson has turned into a succubus in the best possible way. Here is a picture of her contemplating how she will finally kill John Travolta.

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The Show

NPH’s got jokes, a solid musical theater background and the full command of the Academy’s special effects department.

J.K Simmons won Best Supporting Actor for “Whiplash” and his speech is so nice, so generous, and implores all billion of us to call our parents, which is solid advice, and made me feel guilty and then at least text my mom, once.  

Walking-STD Adam Levine looked like a cater-waiter who took a break to sing a song that he wrote in between lunch services at the country club and crushing cigs out back while flirting with 16-year-olds.

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Then, Lonely Island and Tegan and Sara performed that song from “The Lego Movie” with like … a bunch of people in outfits doing choreography, and also, Questlove was there. Sure!

Gwyneth Paltrow’s face looked like it’s made out of a solid sheet of highlighter and her dress is what I imagine a steamed vagina would look like, and I hate everything about it, but here’s a picture anyway. Also, stop saying that everyone is your friend, girl, come on, NOBODY HAS THAT MANY FRIENDS.

GWYNETH UGH

Patricia Arquette used her acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actress to fuck the game up, and made a stirring, impassioned plea for wage equality for women!

Meryl Streep and J. Lo are feeling it and so were we!

John Travolta, what is going on, dude? Are you okay?

Then, some people won a bunch of other awards! Production design and sound editing and sound mixing and thank yous, all abound. Then, around the time most of you got up to get more food, Meryl Streep introduced the macabre death reel, and then Jennifer Hudson sang a song that no one in my Oscar-watching party knew, but was, you know, Jennifer Hudson-like. However! Her lipstick choice on every red carpet is on point. ANNNND, Joan Rivers was left out of the “In Memoriam” bit, which … really? Hmm.

Also, Terrence Howard. Guys.

The award for Best Documentary went to the team behind “CitizenFour,” and a charmingly-nervous Laura Poitras accepted the award, followed by some hilarious jump-cuts of various celebrities looking like they’re not quite sure what “CitizenFour” is about.

John Legend and Common sang “Glory” and totally shut it down. Chris Pine’s publicist quickly threw some eyedrops on his cheeks so it looked like he was crying.

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Then! John Travolta, who managed to evade certain death at the hands of ScarJo’s side-eye, came out to present with Adele Nazeem, I mean, Idina Menzel and he got real, real awkward touching her face.

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Luckily, the awkwardness was interrupted by “Glory”‘s with for Best Original Song, and brought some real fucking talk to an Oscar stage dominated mostly by NPH’s really shitty jokes.

Lady Gaga returned to her roots and simply slayed a “Sound Of Music” medley, then brought out the flawless, ageless 79-year-old queen, Julie Andrews, to introduce the Best Original Score award, which went to “The Grand Budapest Hotel.” What witchcraft do I need to undergo in order to make it so that I look 55 when I am almost 80?

A baby-faced practical teenager Graham Moore won Best Adapted Screenplay for “The Imitation Game,” and told everyone to “Stay weird,” keeping in tone with an Oscars where everyone is using their platform to not thank their housekeepers or their agents, and to instead speak their minds and use their influence for good and change.

If you managed not to pass out, this is what you missed: Inarritu won Best Director for “Birdman,” basically crushing Richard Linklater’s “Boyhood” dreams. And in the one true upset of the night, Eddie Redmayne snagged the Best Actor trophy away from expected winner Michael Keaton, for his star turn in the treacly biopic “The Theory of Everything,” and was pretty endearing in his speech.

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Ah!! Julianne Moore won Best Actress for her turn in “Still Alice,” and was remarkably composed, giving a lovely, genuine speech about Alzheimer’s.

Then, Sean Penn walked out and took a very long time to announce that “Birdman” won Best Picture, sneaking in a “joke” about friend, Mexican director Alejandro Inarritu: “Who gave this guy his green card?” Expect way too many thinkpieces about that today… Anyway, Inarritu said some things, everyone looked happy, Batman said some things too, since he didn’t get to give an acceptance speech, and then that was the end of that!