Citizens United To Honor Phil Robertson For Achievements In Bigotry
Phil Robertson, star of television’s “Duck Dynasty” — a show about a bunch of anthropomorphic ducks who go off into the woods every day to hunt down Larry Hagman — is receiving a free speech award at next week’s Conservative Political Action Committee conference.
The award– the “Andrew Breitbart Defender of the First Amendment Award”–is being given to Robertson for having said a bunch of mean shit about gay people last year in GQ and elsewhere. As you may recall, after Robertson made these statements, other people disagreed with him and thought he was a jerk and did not want to watch his reality show–thereby completely violating all his First Amendment rights.
The award will be given to him by Citizens United, a group whom you may remember from such hits as “Corporations are People” and “Ruining Our Entire Fucking Democracy” and “Being At The Top of Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s Shit List.”
Allow me to note here, for Alanis Morrisette-style irony’s sake, that the award is named for a dead gay man who tried and failed to start a conservative contingent of self-hating gays called “GOProud.”
After having given this some thought, however, I may start competing for next year’s award by going out into the street and just randomly insulting every person I see.
“Why are you wearing that?”
“Your chin looks like a butt, Sir.”
“1993 called, they want your David Spade impression back.”
Then, whenever someone is like “HEY, that was uncalled for!” or appears to think I am unpleasant, I will accuse them of hating free speech. Freedom of speech is, of course, the right to insult people without them thinking that you might be a jerk. Also, it is the right to insist people watch your reality show whether or not they like you as a person or enjoy your show. Because here, in America, everyone is entitled to that.
I mean, sure. You could say that he is just expressing his religious views and that this in and of itself is courageous. Especially in a country where said religious views are only supported by 83% of the country. But guess what? I’ve just invented a new religion and it’s called “I hate your face and it’s dumb.” So there.