Dear Parents, Please Stop Taking Your Miserable Kids To Fashion Shows

This season’s hottest accessory is something that I don’t know because I’ve paid zero attention to Fashion Week, thanks to all these dumb parents who can’t keep their squalling infants at home. First, North West cried at her dad Kanye West’s fashion show, while sitting next to Anna Wintour, who was not having it. Then, much to the New York Daily News’ chagrin she cried again at the Alexander Wang fashion show on Sunday. Turns out crying is as contagious as chlamydia, because now poor Harper Beckham has caught it too, pouting away in the front row next to Wintour, at her mom Victoria Beckham’s fashion show.

Parents, dude, come on. Stop taking your children to fashion shows! Stop taking your children most places in public, unless their manners are impeccable! Don’t let the general degradation of our society’s moral standards lull you into thinking your mewling brats can act any which way they please in public, this is a fallacy and one you should not abide by! Plus, fashion shows aren’t for babies (which is really too bad, because I see a real speculative market there, to be perfectly honest).

When I was a kid, my parents deployed an extremely effective immigrant bad cop-bad cop system, where if my sister or I started crying at a restaurant or other public establishment and a brief period of reasoning yielded no relief, they would take us home right then, while everyone else got to stay at the restaurant and enjoy their meals, desserts, and unlimited Coke refills. Needless to say, we were taking two cars to the same places a lot when crude oil prices plummeted during the Gulf War. But the strategy was effective, because damned if we didn’t have great restaurant manners by the age of two, and were sparkling table-side conversationalists by four-and-a-half.

Yes, living in a fear state is absolutely integral to raising children that aren’t dicks, but the other big piece? Not flying them too close to the sun. Let’s put it this way: there isn’t a Peking Wok in the Southern California area my mom won’t hesitate to march me out of even now, but she still knows that inviting my sister and I to anything fancier than the Cheesecake Factory is a grave error in judgment of our abilities that would rest solely on her shoulders. This is why the Shahs can’t have nice things, and why you will never see my mother inviting any of us to sit front row at Fashion Week. Celebrity parents, you should follow her lead.

While we’re at it, dear babies, please stop displaying exactly no chill at fashion shows. You got to sit next to Anna Wintour, man. Pull yourself together.