Here Are The Definitive 50 Shades Of Grey

Do regular people have access to 50 Shades of Grey in the bedroom? Of course! Here they are:

1. Pillow drool grey

2. Lambskin condom grey

3. Shadow cast by my naked muffin top grey

4. Your bedroom at sex time when I turn the light out, but there’s still a little coming in. Where is it coming from? YOU HAVE A ROOMMATE?! Grey

5. Pre-owned bondage rope grey

6. I never noticed your eyes aren’t blue they’re grey grey

7. R: 170 B: 167 G: 167, the background color of your OKCupid profile pic grey

8. Mole on your butt grey

9. Color of the moon when you asked me to do anal grey

10. Anal grey

11. Your dirty shoelaces/makeshift hand ties grey

12. Color of my adult retainer grey

13. Haven’t shaved my legs in weeks grey

14. Uniform of hotel maid who keeps looking at us like we’re not gonna make it grey

15. Your back teeth grey

16. Post-sex sweatpants grey

17. Ashes from the joint we smoked to feel less inhibited grey

18. Blanket in the closet I took to sleep on the couch because you kept farting grey

19. Color of the bread I used to make you a sandwich cuz I’m a sub in the bed but not in the kitchen grey

20. My divorce wasn’t finalized when I met you shade of grey area

21. Color of your cat who sometimes watches us grey

22. Color of first week of birth control pills grey

23. Color of the rock you threw at my window to be romantic but I got scared and called the cops grey

24. Axe Body Wash grey

25. This is the color of the only champagne I can afford grey

26. Color of linoleum tile on my kitchen floor where we had brightly-lit oral sex grey

27. Cloudy diamond grey

28. Freezing hotel rooms make nipples grey grey

29. Color your face turned when I asked if we were exclusive grey

30. Mascara stains on your pillow because I don’t want to show you my real face until you’re in love with me grey

31. Whip cream stains grey

32. Your body hairs in shower drain stop grey

33. Color of the sky when you slipped in a butt plug and realized I do want a family grey

34. My cotton underpants when I had no idea you were dropping by grey

35. Color of washing machine at public Laundromat where I have to take our sexed up underpants grey

36. Your left big toenail grey

37. Dry skin on my knuckles as you take my hand on a cold winter’s day grey

38. Color of bouncing silhouettes when you asked for a threesome and I mostly watched grey

39. Color of the mist when you said, “Let’s go back to my place — IN NEW JERSEY” grey

40. Dust pile in the corner of your room that I focus on when I get bored in the sex straps grey

41. My eyelids when I’m trying to do sultry, sexy, smoky eyes grey

42. Color of my roots before I realized I had a date tonight grey

43. Color of homemade, papier-mache marionette doll you brought into bed to test my limits grey (RED!)

44. Your hairy back at sunset grey

45. I secretly resent you for being a pretentious butt nugget who spells “grey” with an “e” grey

46. Color of kids in black and white photo in your wallet grey. (YOU HAVE KIDS?!?!?)

47. Phlegm I coughed up when I told you “I really shouldn’t tonight, I’m not feeling well” and you rolled  your eyes so I came over grey

48. Money on the nightstand just before sunrise grey

49. Dude you gotta clean your shower grey

50. Ball wrinkle grey