The Best Moments Of The 2015 Grammys

Guys, the Grammy Awards are kind of a snoozefest unless you are super-invested in music, specifically popular music. But, if you love the spectacle of awards season and like watching people who would probably never sing together do just that, then the Grammys are the best thing to happen in the long, dark, miserable month that is February. If you missed the show last night, here’s what went down.

THE RED CARPET

Rihanna basically wore a cupcake liner, but it was also a quinceneara dress, but it was also a built-in guard against all the fuckboys and girls out there that try to steal her shine. GO ON, RIHANNA. Also, her face was a flawless mask of beauty and perfection. And, she and Blue Ivy had some words.

BLUE AND RIH

No one has discussed the fact, really, that Jennifer Hudson lost a bunch of weight, and manages to slay at every single awards show that she shows up at. This white dress! My goodness.

jennifer-hudson-grammys-2015

Kim wore what was essentially a beaded robe, her hair was short and she looks more like Kourtney in the face than ever. She was naturally on Kanye’s arm the two of them prove to me that love is so very real. Kanye is also not buying whatever idiocy Ryan Seacrest is selling. NOT TODAY, SATAN.

THE SHOW

This about sums it up:

Pharrell judging Tay so hard yall

A video posted by Brendan Jordan (@jordvnhaus) on

Jay let Beyonce accept the win for Best R&B performance, which is great. Also, she is 100 percent pregnant AND she thanked the Beyhive, which is nice! Her fans! That’s us! Thanks, Bey. You’re the best.

bey-jay-grammys

Oh and Kanye performed his auto-tuned love song to his child, “Only One,” whilst clad in an Adidas velour sweatsuit that looks so cozy and wonderful. Also, I love this song, it makes me cry, every time.

This was the night that I tried to figure out what Ed Sheeran was. The answer is that he’s a relatively talented ginger who looks like what Amy Poehler’s children will when they grow up. His perfectly fine performance was tarnished only slightly by John Mayer’s skeezy presence, though I see what he was trying to do with those glasses. It’s not working John. You’re walking chlamydia, straight up. Amelia says the two of them together are her worst nightmare threesome.

Hozier, an Irish man that I have no interest in, sang his song, but Annie Lennox came out in black jeans and your mom’s going-out top and wiped the stage clean with him. I do not know what happened. I think she has been sitting in a lair somewhere, gathering her power and strength, emerging to fully stunt on the entirety of America with that Nina Simone cover.

There was a moving and very powerful domestic violence PSA that led into a really baffling Katy Perry performance that was a little bit Marina Abramovic in “The Artist is Present” with a dash of Solange’s wedding dress and that one Beyonce video. Also, there were shadow people behind her. Sure.

Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett sang one of their weird duets, which was endearing because Tony Bennett is about a thousand years old and Gaga has turned into an art school Jessica Rabbit, which is sort of working out for her.

RIHANNA LOOKED FLAWLESS. SANG FLAWLESS. DID EVERYTHING FLAWLESS. THIS NEW ALBUM IS GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF US ALL, I SWEAR.

Sam Smith has this weird smarmy teddy bear Frankenstein vibe that I have had a hard time getting down with, but he brought out the queen of everybody’s heartbreak, Mary J Blige, and she looked incredible and sounded even better.

Prince. Is. Wearing. Wow. “Like books and black lives, albums matter,” said Prince, then he gave Beck a Grammy that should have been Beyonce’s and stood in the background like the shiny, tangerine-suited American treasure that he is.

PRINCE JESUS

Also, Kanye let us all know very subtly who he thought the Grammy should have gone to.

KANYE GIF

For a second there, Jay and Bey were really nervous.

Sia did the thing she does, where she stands in a corner and sings, and doesn’t let anyone see her face, but instead of Maddie from “Dance Moms” performing as her proxy, it was Kristen Wiig. In a wig. Then, Maddie showed up and did all the big dance moves and rond de jambes and what have you but … yeah. Sia! You’re crazy in a way that I like.

Sam Smith won his fourth Grammy of the night, for Record Of The Year, and thanked the dude who broke his heart for providing the material for his award winning album. I can get behind that.

Vaginal steaming enthusiast Gwyneth Paltrow came out to tell us all that we live in “complicated times,” then introduced Beyonce singing “Precious Lord, Take My Hand” as a warm up to John Legend and Common doing “Glory” from the “Selma” soundtrack. All three individuals were absolutely spectacular. Gwyneth Paltow, you need to take a seat.

Then, it was over! We were subjected to “Stay With Me” one more time, as the credits rolled, and I passed out, because this show was almost five hours long. The end!