Boyfriend Bears: The Stuffed Animal Hymen-Protector You Never Wanted
Where do I even begin here?
Earlier today, I was alerted to the existence of a bizarre product called Boyfriend Bears – stuffed bears marketed to teenage Christian girls looking to preserve their “purity” (read: hymen) for their future husbands. I guess a ring just isn’t enough these days.
They are bears with which one is meant to “snuggle.” In place of a boyfriend. So that when that dreamy boy from math class invites you to the big sock hop, you can say “No thanks. I am going to stay at home and hold a stuffed animal like a weirdo. I find this very fulfilling. This bear is all the man I need, for now, until my future husband shows up to claim me and my intact hymen.”
I feel it is imperative to note at this time that these Boyfriend Bears do not, in fact, vibrate. They are just regular stuffed animal bears that remind you that you are supposed to remain pure for your future husband.
Speaking of said future husband, they are different from regular stuffed animals in one way, at least. They have a hidden compartment in their butts, which is where you are supposed to hide a secret letter to your future husband. Or a pack of cigarettes and some condoms in a place your mom will be least likely to find them. Your choice!
In addition to the stuffed bears, the Boyfriend Bears website offers a variety of other merchandise, such as this sweet “Purity Is A Battle” t-shirt–which all of us here at The Frisky have decided we definitely want.
It’s a battle, you guys. A war. Continents destroyed, blood shed, all in the name of pure, unadulterated vaginas. Putting it in the butt is OK though, of course, and clearly condoned by the “Boyfriend Bear.”
To aid you in this battle, the Boyfriend Bear site also provides a sample curriculum, with some helpful purity quizzes and mad libs. I have filled them out to provide you with an example.
I may or may not have been eating a delicious breakfast sandwich for lunch at the time of filling this out. [Christian Nightmares]