WTFootball: Here’s How Your Favorite Internet Writers Think Super Bowl XLIX Will Go

People tend to think that your fearless Frisky staff doesn’t care about football with the same fervor that we care about, say, black honey lipstick, but that is only partially a lie because you probably forgot about a little thing called the Halftime show (also, commercials) (also, two out of six of us really do love football, how dare you be so heteronormative). But despite our varying degrees of interest in this Sunday’s sport ball match, it turns out we all had fairly strong (read: bonkers) opinions on how it would all turn out.

We took to the Internet to ask our friends from other sites you might read to see if they were similarly invested, or at the least, similarly clueless. It turns out the majority of the people we know are morons. Read on, because the predictions below are absolutely what you should be placing your prop bets on.

Erik Malinowski, reporter, FoxSports.com:

Super Bowl XLIX (which sounds like some kind of medication for tummy pain) is going to be a dreadfully, painfully low-scoring affair. That’s not a knock on these quarterbacks but rather high praise for the D’s. My crystal ball says: Seahawks 17, Patriots 14. (Oh, and the over/under on Idina Menzel’s national anthem is 2:01. Take the over.)

Molly McHugh, tech editor, The Daily Dot:

The Seahawks are definitely going to win, minimum 14 point spread. Tom Brady will look dumb, Russell Wilson will cry, I will begrudgingly admit that I like that shithead USC football organization alum Pete Carroll. Because I live in the Caribbean, my VPN will shit out at least once, I will miss a touchdown because of it, and will curse this wretched island.

Beejoli Shah, The Frisky:

I will spend all of Sunday morning hemming and hawing on whether I should have laid the bet that I did (I would tell you but I don’t want to jinx it), while frantically texting everyone I know just in case better Super Bowl plans exist and simultaneously starting shit with both Seahawks and Patriots fans alike, because what is life without a little anarchy? The Pats will get an early lead out, Gronk will #GronkSpike, I will change my phone background to his naked ESPN Magazine cover at least three different times, but the Seahawks are going to take this one home, at which point I will crow loudly to everyone about the time Marshawn Lynch and I took classes together at Berkeley, and he was actually super smart. Also, the Halftime Show will be awful because nothing will ever top Britney Spears wearing a fucking baseball sock on her arm. Literally nothing.

Amelia McDonell-Parry, The Frisky:

Before I predict anything, can you please tell me which teams are playing in the Super Bowl? [ed. note: We did tell Amelia who was playing, and it affected her predictions in no way whatsoever.] I do however predict that there will be NO FOULS. I predict I will invite myself along to whatever Super Bowl party Beejoli is going to and forever be banned from hanging out with her friends again because I referred to the players’ uniforms as “cute outfits.”

Meredith Haggerty, host of WNYC’s TL;DR Podcast:

I foretell that my Dad will call me up at points in the game to defend Deflategate, which I have no opinion on, and then say, “and don’t let those New Yorkers chip away at your love of the Patriots” and I will say, “You know I don’t care about sport, and you know I hate Tom Brady. You know I hate him for what he did to Bridget Moynahan,” and he’ll say, “Nahhhhh.”

Jaya Saxena, freelance writer:

I’m watching with a crowd that can mainly be described as Patriots v. Anyone But The Patriots. I predict a lot of yelling about Bill Belichick being a homewrecker, probably looping around to jokes about Rex Ryan’s foot fetish. I will probably try to drink some cheap beer and then realize all it does it make me feel full and switch to liquor. I predict Katy Perry will not be able to SUMMON DESTINY’S CHILD FROM THE GROUND like Beyonce did, but she might be more memorable than whoever played last year, which I clearly don’t remember.

Megan Reynolds, The Frisky:

I will wake up thinking that I am going to make nachos, wings, a salad: a spread fit for a king. Instead, I will become distracted by online shopping for bathing suits, and will become inordinately grumpy when one of my roommates jumps me in line for the shower. I will then rush to the store to get some food so that I can feed myself. As for the game? The Seahawks will win, Marshawn will grab his crotch more times than I’d like to think about, and Katy Perry will be mediocre at the half. Also, Tom Brady will get hit in the face with a football, breaking his nose, ruining his looks, and the New England Patriots will not win. I will watch the entire game wearing my 49ers scarf, causing confusion for all.

Jazmine Hughes, contributing editor, The Hairpin:

[ed. note: trying to get Jazmine to write anything is like trying to teach a very small child the intricacies of the triangle offense. This is what we got back.]

Wait the Super Bowl is THIS year?? Bc… I thought the Super Bowl was every four years, like the World Cup (????) or the Olympics. WAIT THE SUPERBOWL IS THIS SUNDAY???? I thought it was in February?!?!?! What!!!! Guys.

[upon being told that Sunday is, in fact, February]

WHAT

Everything makes a lot more sense.

This email chain contains the most thoughts I have had about the Superbowl in my ENTIRE LIFE. You can 100% put “Jazmine Hughes was unable to participate because she doesn’t know how months work” and that would be CORRECT (and gracious, idk how years work either).

Kevin Collier, deputy politics editor, The Daily Dot:

Like any real dude from Real America, I like the NFL, but prefer college football, with its unfair rankings, lopsided games, and too many traditions and players to actually keep track of. So on Oct. 4, I watched when Katy Perry was inexplicably the guest picker the sport’s grand weekly show, ESPN College Gameday.She was amazing. She threw a corndog at the camera when talking about LSU (they have a weird corndog thing; idk). She dressed like Bjork (not to talk about what she wore, but I mean, it stood out). And the best part, she boldly predicted that Ole Miss would upset perennial evil empire Alabama, which honestly looked like a super dumb pick, except then it ACTUALLY HAPPENED. That night, somebody caught a Vine of her getting trashed and jumping into a crowd at an Ole Miss bar.

Am I supposed to turn this into a prediction? If so, my prediction is that Katy Perry is the best football fan. Unless this was an elaborately staged thing to convince Real American me that she’s got cred.

Robyn Pennacchia, The Frisky:

I was also going to predict balls. Balls everywhere. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head. And commercials, and that people will have things to say about said commercials, and then on Monday morning people will be talking about said commercials, and also all about which team’s seeker caught the golden snitch or whatever and I will have no idea what they’re talking about. I also predict that instead of watching the Superbowl, or staying home and complaining about how I can hear all the yelling from the bar next door to me, that I will be watching “Boyhood” with Katie Rife from AV Club and some other people who don’t care about sports, and eating chicken wings, and eventually drinking too much and tweeting “SPORTZ! HOW ARE YOUR SPORTZ GOING, SPORTZFANS?” like an asshole.

Kevin Nguyen, editorial director, Oyster:

Twitter predictions for the Super Bowl:
+ A lot of exasperated exclamations, balanced out by an insufferable number of “sportsball” tweets.
+ An Instagram of fancy nachos, prepared at the Super Bowl party you wish you’d been invited to. You’ll still fav.
+ Many tweets praising Tom Brady’s good looks.
+ Collective confusion over a strangely high-concept car ad.
+ A viral Vine of Marshawn Lynch grabbing his crotch after he rushes for a touchdown.
+ A tweet asking what a Gronk is.
+ Complaints that Katy Perry’s performance is not nearly as memorable as Beyonce’s.
+ Men everywhere responding “well, actually” to point out that “Prince was better.”
+ “Burt Macklin” trending after the Jurassic World trailer.
+ Someone tweeting “slide into your DMs like” with an attached GIF of Russell Wilson literally sliding.
+ A tweet about how they just watch the Super Bowl for the commercials, as if no one has ever said that before. It’s someone you went to high school with and aren’t really sure why you follow in the first place. You’ll unfollow this person.

Tyler Coates, Deputy Editor, Decider.com:

I predict I will actually schlep all the way to Brooklyn where I will get drunk, ignore the game, and then angrily travel back to Manhattan having regrets about going to Brooklyn in the first place. But then I’ll feel bad because I didn’t go there for the FOOTBALL, god forbid, but for the company, and I’ll likely pass out feeling blissful and blessed that I have such good friends. Also I will probably hate the commercials.

Claire Hannum, The Frisky:

I predict lots of balls, especially the questionable deflated sort. Nobody hates cheaters’ balls more than the NFL. While I enjoy watching football for roughly 20 minute stretches and no longer, I also love partaking in “shared cultural phenomena” (and is there no greater national treasure than this day dedicated to indigestion and the almighty bro?), so despite the fact that I’ll be on a trip on Super Bowl Sunday, I predict I’ll still probably find my way to a bar full of bros who are shouting about the aforementioned balls to stave off my own FOMO. I also predict that this will be the most Americana-fueled Super Bowl of all time because Kim Kardashian, Katy Perry, Rihanna, and lots of nacho-related foodstuffs will be involved, all in one go.

Rebecca Vipond Brink, The Frisky:

I predict that Katy Perry will have a wardrobe malfunction that will reveal her as a Lizard Person and confirm the existence of the Reptilian Elite. *~IlLuMiNaTi~* WAKE UP SHEEPLE

Greg Seals, head Taylor Swift correspondent, The Daily Dot:

I’m betting that: Katy Perry will have no less than three costume changes during the course of her performance and at least two of her outfits will feature sports-related objects affixed to her breasts, John Mayer will make a “surprise” appearance during the halftime show wearing a headscarf and playing guitar back to back with Prince, and finally Taylor Swift will shade the whole thing by Instagramming a photo of her cats with a caption that reads something like “Meredith and Olivia could care less about all this sports ball.”