I Am Addicted To Netflix Which Is Why I Steal Money From My Mother

I am addicted to Netflix, which is why I steal money from my sweet, elderly mother. I love her so much. She was always there for me growing up. But I just can’t get enough of Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright in “House Of Cards.” I watched both seasons in one weekend. I missed my best friend’s wedding, but what can I say? I had to have more “House of Cards.” Forgive me, but I love that sweet streaming goodness.

Do you Netflix? Do you watch in on a laptop? A tablet? A smart TV? I have all three. I duct taped trash bags over the windows of my apartment. Last month the power went out for a couple of hours and I couldn’t Netflix and I almost clawed my face off. Isn’t that funny? Isn’t it? Why aren’t you laughing? What’s your favorite show on Netflix?

Have you seen “Orange Is The New Black”? Network television would never have greenlit such a progressive show about the power politics inside an all-women prison. If you haven’t seen “Black Mirror,” then I don’t know what to tell you. I told my mother all about it before excusing myself for the bathroom and searching through her medicine cabinet looking for something I can sell.

Yes, Netflix is only $8 a month. It’s cheaper than cable! It really is the best way to spend your entertainment dollar. But the economy is still rough for some of us. You may be a Mr. Big Shot or a Ms. Cha-Ching, but I’m just a humble, regular guy who doesn’t have time for a job because I need to stream every episode of “Friends.” That Chandler and his zingers.

Who is your favorite Doctor from “Doctor Who?” Ha, ha, ha. That’s a trick question. They’re all great and I should know because I have streamed every episode I can stream. Want to come over and stream “Peaky Blinders?” I don’t know what it is but I’m going to stream it because it’s on Netflix and I want all the Netflix inside of me.

I love to binge watch TV shows on Netflix. I just sit on my couch, with a five-dollar foot long, an Arizona Ice Tea, and a bucket that I use as a toilet because my actual toilet is too far away. Sometimes, when I binge watch, I also binge drink whatever — mouthwash, cough syrup, plastic gallon jugs of Popov vodka. Then I just kick back and let “Psych” or “Gilmore Girls” wash over me for six or seven blissfully uninterrupted hours.

Then I wake up, vomit, and start it all over again because, man, Netflix takes the edge off. I guess I’m just a junkie for low-cost, buffet-style entertainment. Ha, ha. That’s me! If you try to take my Netflix away, I will murder you with my teeth.

Look, I know I have a problem and that problem is I’m hooked on Netflix. I have it all under control. Yesterday, I sold a couple of my grandmother’s necklaces. She gave them to my mother when she passed. So I’m good. My Netflix is paid up. My internet is still on. I almost have rent. Plus “Freaks and Geeks” is ready for me to rewatch again.

I’m not saying everything is great. My girlfriend left me because she didn’t want to watch “The West Wing” and I tried to tell her it’s an amazing show about how much better the world would be if it were run by five white men and one clumsy, unmarried woman. But whatever. My best friend won’t talk to me, but he’ll get over that, especially once I pay him back that five thousand dollars I owe him. At least my mother loves me. I can’t wait to visit her next weekend and eat some home cooking and then, later, rooting through her purse looking for cash while she naps.

Do you have an Amazon Prime account? Can I have your account log-in? Please? Help me out? I tell you what… if you give me your log-in, I will let you love all of my holes.

The piece was originally posted on John DeVore’s Medium blog, but he’s letting us crosspost it because we’re BFFs forever. If you lov JDV as much as we do, you should go read his blog and follow him on Twitter.