An Infographic Guide To “The Bachelor” (Week 4! My Worst Nightmare!)

Reminder: Every Monday, I livetweet a new, exhaustingly long episode of “The Bachelor” on my personal Twitter (@xoamelia), giving a detailed, hilarious, wine-and-weed-influenced critique of “Prince Farming” (oh go fuck yourself with that nickname, Chris Harrison) and his search for a woman willing to move to a post-apocalyptic hell tundra Iowa. And then every Tuesday, I recap the episode with some form of an infographic, because three hours actually forming sentences to describe my feelings about this shitshow is enough for all of us.

A lot happened on last night’s episode of “The Bachelor,” with both Ashleys doing crazy weirdo Ashleys everywhere PROUD (I’ll never forget you, Ashley S.); Jillian and her enormous biceps and alleged ass hair getting the boot amongst a slew of vaguely transphobic references to her being a duuuuude; and uptight, prissy widow Kelsey slut-shaming the women for wearing bikinis. But the low moment in the show came when Farmer Chris’s sisters chose Jade — WHO? — to go on a Cinderella fantasy date, complete with a gownnnnnn and jeweeeeelry and an empty ballllllrooooooooooom and so much awkwardness. Seriously, if I got chosen for this date, I would have declined. As you can see, it is my worst nightmare.