Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You To Eat Some “Sex Bark”

In this week’s installment of her newsletter GOOP, Darling Gwyneth would like you to try a thing called “Sex Bark.” No, it’s not a weird noise you make during sex, it is a chocolate bark. A chocolate bark that will cost you at least $93 to make, and which contains a thing called “Sex Dust,” which itself costs $60 for four ounces.

Moon Juice, the site where you are supposed to buy this sex dust and the rest of the ingredients, explains SEX DUST like so:

The aphrodisiac warming potion will send waves of blood to all the right places. This is a holistic approach to deeply enjoyable sex and fertility for both men and women, supporting brain chemistry, hormone production, as well as glandular and fluid replenishment.

Add one teaspoon to 8oz of any hot or cold liquid. Delicious with nut milk water or tea. Makes anywhere from 25- 50 servings depending on taste and desired level of potency. Don’t be afraid to double dose!

Wild Crafted Ingredients: Epimedium, Ho Sho Wu, Schizandra, Cristanche, Shilajit, Maca, Cacao, Lo Han Guo, Stevia

SEEMS LEGIT.

What does “wild crafted” ingredients even mean? Like, hunter/gatherer people running around the forest grabbing herbs or something? I don’t know.

Anyway, the sex bark also contains Moon Pantry Cacao ($15) and Moon Pantry Ho Shou Wu ($18) which the site explains is “an herb tonic used for centuries to enhance youthfulness, reproductive function, and sex drive. Its potent effects stimulate and balance hormones, improve adrenal gland function, and nourish skin, hair, and internal organs for total glow.”

I like to think that Gwyneth eats her sex bark while loudly singing “Sex Farm Woman” by Spinal Tap and changing the lyrics to “Sex Bark Woman” — while wearing that nude unitard (Nuditard?) she wore last week to sing rap songs with Jimmy Fallon.

Would you eat Sex Bark? I might, if it were free and directly in front of me, because I am rarely one to turn down chocolate, but unless it were some kind of emergency, I can’t see myself sending away for sex dust any time soon. [GOOP; h/t Huffington Post]