John Oliver Offers Hot Tips On Getting Out Of Celebrating New Year’s Eve

Like John Oliver, and many of you out there, I assume, New Year’s Eve is basically my worst nightmare. It’s an exhausting holiday for which one is expected to buy a new dress, go out to a place packed with other humans, feel weird if they don’t have a date — or have an awkward date with someone they just started seeing —  get hoarse from yelling “WOOOO!” so many times, and never have as good a time as they feel they are supposed to be having. Last year, I said “fuck it” and stayed home and watched the “Twilight Zone” marathon on the SyFy channel and it felt like the most luxurious thing I’d ever done in my life.

However, if you’re not me and for some reason have a problem telling people “I hate New Year’s Eve and I seriously just want to stay home and live tweet’The Twilight Zone,’ but I’ll be happy to hang out with you next Tuesday!”, John Oliver has come up with some handy excuses to keep you from spending a night of misery among the unwashed yet glittery masses. Good luck!