It Happened In Florida: Macy’s Shoplifter Smears Poop On Employees’ Faces During Escape Attempt

There are still two and a half more days left in 2014, which is plenty of time to pull some sort of stunt and earn a spot on the Most Amazing Criminals of the Year list. And lookie here, Marisol Toribio of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, has come in just under the wire by shoplifting at a local Macy’s just before Christmas. But it’s not the five-finger discount itself that makes her such a noteworthy lawbreaker. No, it’s the shit smeared all over those five fingers that makes her one-of-a-kind.

According to court documents, when Toribio, 32, was caught stealing from the Macy’s by store employees, she responded by reaching down in her pants, grabbing a handful of poop and smearing it all over their faces before trying to escape. Did she poop before or after she was caught stealing? Why? It’s unclear. I’ll be honest, at this point I would have let the bitch run away, because washing someone’s shit off my face takes priority over recouping goods that, let’s face it, Macy’s could totally afford to lose. You would not ever see me chasing some shoplifter down an escalator with turds smeared on my cheeks. Nope nope nope. Take the cost of those stolen dish towels out of my paycheck if you need to Macy’s, I don’t care. I’ll be in the bathroom drowning myself in hand sanitizer THANK YOU.

Anyway, Toribio did NOT end up getting away and now faces theft charges, plus a charge of tampering with or fabricating physical evidence. What about assault with a fistful of feces? [CrimeFeed]