These 8 Incredibly Weird Christmas Videos Are The Gifts That Keep On Giving

I may be an atheist, when it comes to the existence of god or any “supernatural” phenomena, but I am certainly not an atheist when it comes to presents. YAY PRESENTS. I will gladly accept all of the presents, please and thank you, and I like giving them as well.

My Christmas present to you, dear Frisky readers, is this divine collection of totally amazing Christmas-themed YouTube videos I have carefully curated for you today, with the help of my lovely and talented sister, Gia Pennacchia. Because this is pretty much how we spend quality time together as a family during the holidays.

The Best Twin-Old Lady Pantomime to “Silent Night” You Will Ever See”

I barely understand what is going on here, but whatever it is, it is ENTRANCING. It is my new favorite thing. I’ve watched it like, four times. I like to think they had some really intense rehearsals for this number, with Stella yelling “NO! This is the part where we stretch our arms forward and look dead inside!” at Ella. And now she’s like, watching this and feeling sort of bad about that because Stella’s dead. [ChristianNightmares]

The Christmas Shoes, Because Jesus Hates Your Dying Mother’s Cheap-ass Keds

This song and movie, which apparently stars Rob Lowe (I guess because the sex tape wasn’t embarrassing enough?) are like, super big deals for fundamentalist Christians or something. However, I am out of the loop and definitely thought Gia was fucking with me when she attempted to explain it to me a few years ago. The gist of the song, if you will, is that some kid wants to buy fancy shoes for his mom for Christmas…BECAUSE SHE IS DYING AND NEEDS FANCY SHOES TO WEAR WHEN SHE MEETS JESUS. A dude who wears sandals.

Holy hell.

Then he goes to the store and tries to pay for the Christmas Shoes, and he doesn’t have enough money to buy them, so he turns to the dude behind him in line (IN THIS CASE ROB LOWE) and asks him to purchase the Christmas Shoes for him, because his mom is about to die and, once again, she can hardly wear KEDS to see Jesus. Manolos or bust. And then I guess the guy in line learns an important lesson and then the kid’s mom dies. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Oh Good, A Christmas Song About Abortion From a Lunatic

I’ve only been with The Frisky for a week, but I hope you will all come to know and appreciate my ongoing obsession with William Tapley, the Third Eagle of The Apocalypse and the co-prophet of The End Times. Here he is singing a Christmas carol about how you should let God/Jesus plan your family, accompanied by his trusty Casio keyboard.

I Think This Is Where The Olsen Twins Started Hating Their Lives

Why is everything creepier with twins? Here are the Olsen Twins, obviously dead inside, singing a song about how SANTA KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE and you cannot escape him even if you move the day before Christmas.

Creepy Old Man Invades Orphanages, Breaks All Their Stuff To Make “Christmas Presents”

This cartoon was on a compilation of cartoons we had on a VHS tape when we were kids. If I am not mistaken, it was a “double feature” with the creepy-ass Annette Funicello/Ray Bolger “Babes In Toyland.” I guess it’s nice that this random stranger made toys for all the orphans after their toys broke, but also now they don’t have plates or umbrellas or any household items. They’re going to have to eat off of makeshift sleds. Also, there is a lot that is unseemly about an old man breaking into an orphanage. Just saying.

Lady With Public Access Show Sings All The Christmas Hits, Is Maybe Kind Of Drunk

Oh god. I love this woman. She’s my new hero. She gives exactly zero fucks. JANA FOREVER. Jana is all of us. The best parts are between songs, in which she just sort of stands there and tries to remember where she is and what she is even doing there. She has SEVERAL more videos of her singing, all with different themes. I am going to watch them forever.

Some White People Rap About Their Christmas “jammies,” Their Prius and Their Precocious Children

These people frighten me. That is all.

These Ladies Cannot Contain Their Excitement Over The Birth of Their Lord and Savior

Such charisma! Such verve! Such glasses! I really like how the daughter is looking to the side like “Seriously, someone please kill me right now” while mom does her solo. Truly, this is what the spirit of Christmas is all about.