From Us To You: An Honest Christmas “Update” Letter From The Frisky

To Our Beloved Frisky Readers,

As 2014 comes to a close and we prepare for the New Year ahead, we wanted to send you all a heartfelt holiday letter to share some highlights from our lives over the past year. In true Frisky form, we’re not ones to sugarcoat anything, and we hope our letter helps kick off your seasonal celebrations with a big dose of honesty — the perfect accompaniment  for your milk and cookies! Here’s what went down in 2014, lady by lady…

This year, CLAIRE finished the college degree she’d spent four years slaving to, which was extremely gratifying for about five minutes until she began the process of paying for it. She also started the grand adventure of working at The Frisky full-time, which means, among many other wonderful things, no longer spending the last week of the month frenzying over where her rent money will come from, so she’s used that freed-up energy to become the kind of functional person who does chores on Saturday mornings and washes her sheets at least bi-weekly. She traveled to some locations on her bucket list, which she adored but also sadly found in each place the same matching row of Dunkin Donuts, Subway and Starbucks, no matter the continent. She also became next-door neighbors with her boyfriend, which makes weekends exponentially more fun and makes it easier for her to use his rare gem of an in-unit washer/dryer which he kindly shares. Claire also got to explore a whole new dimension of her daddy issues when roughly two days after her dad’s death she discovered an entire chunk of her family’s history that she’d never been told about, and is now trying to piece together through old bits of photographic and written artifacts. She also learned to love running multiple miles at a time, inherited her father’s massive music collection, finally got to hang out in Kristin Chenoweth’s vicinity, and at last accomplished the crow pose in yoga.

In 2014, KATIE took an unhealthy five-month break from the gym after successfully losing over 15 pounds on a nutritional cleanse. In her newly-freed up schedule, she dated so many men in the tri-state area that she effectively bolstered her vocabulary and street cred by learning the term “eskimo brothers.” Over the summer, Katie won the self-proclaimed Bridesmaid Of The Year Award after saving the day when a fellow bridesmaid got period blood all over her gown just before the ceremony. She will go down as one of the greats. Katie also visited Nashville this year, where her soul sister, former Frisky lady Winona, helped her to (unsuccessfully) stalk Luke Bryan and eat the most delicious barbecue of her life. Another highlight of Katie’s year came when she missed her train and was forced to work from a café near home, where she met and chatted up one Didi Conn a.k.a. Frenchie from “Grease.” Katie improved her crock pot cooking skills, bought her first “big girl” living room furniture set and rekindled her love for Taylor Swift following the release of 1989. As sad as she is about leaving The Frisky, Katie has accepted a Social Media job at fashion and beauty YouTube network, StyleHaul, which she will begin in the new year. Though she won’t be present in The Frisky office, she will never forget the wonderful times she had with her sisters from other misters.

2014 was, in fact, a year that ROBYN lived through. It had 12 months, 365 days and, being that she lives in Chicago, about two seasons. It was an OK year, as far as years go! The highlight of which was obviously being transferred from Death and Taxes to The Frisky! The lowlight of which was the tragic loss of her beloved cat/life partner, Mr. Catface, who was the best cat ever and had a face just like a cat.

Robyn did succeed in keeping her New Year’s Resolution, possibly because that resolution did not involve giving up smoking, drinking or vowing to work out or maintain a steady romantic relationship. Said resolution was to stop being a giant baby about food and to eat things other than chicken sandwiches, chicken wings and Italian food, and she is pleased to report that she now eats oysters and peas and is willing to try more things. Except for cottage cheese, because that shit is horrifying and she swears she will run out of the room screaming if you try and eat it in front of her. Please do not do that.

She could probably think of other cool things that happened, but she’s a little hungover right now, to be honest.

This year, REBECCA found out what a real nervous breakdown feels like after quitting her job, trying to travel the country, and finding out that her PTSD is way too severe to be shocked out of her system. She’s been in therapy consistently since May, which is great, because now she can leave her apartment without constantly clutching a knife in her pocket. She made a name for herself as a freelance writer by not washing her hair, got called a “pig” who “thinks she has a golden pussy” by some really terrible people on the internet (who were also weirdly obsessed with the cellulite on her thighs) because she had the audacity to date people before her divorce was finalized, and — oh yeah! — got a divorce! That was pretty great.

She and her boyfriend quadrupled their living space after cohabiting in an apartment in which she was legally not supposed to be living for waaaaay too long, following getting hired full-time at The Frisky. She still has impostor syndrome over both her job and her fabulous (and legally inhabited) new apartment. Her boobs are on the internet and her name is attached to them, so she’s pretty much going to have to work in writing forever now. She had a root canal for the first time, and her periods are now so heavy that earlier in the year she had to call her mom to ask, “Am I dying?” (Her mom laughed at her.) She’s making art and singing for the first time in almost 10 years. Also, she ran a marathon, and now has bragging rights on that for the rest of her goddamn life.

2014 was a big year for AMELIA, as she told anyone and everyone who would listen that she was fucking over New York City and would be moving to Los Angeles in November. She got all ready for it too, selling her old engagement ring in a record 45 minutes, tossing her Ugg boots because she would never need them for snowy, cold dog walks again, and lining up a couple West Coast fuck buddies in advance. But in what would turn out to be a blessing in disguise, Amelia had one of her depressive episodes while visiting LA in October — brought on by spending one too many hours with a certain reality TV star, the pool scene at the Roosevelt, and the realization that In N Out is actually kind of gross — and tearfully determined that her problems could not be solved by sunshine, $4 a gallon gas and the lackluster sex skills of undiscovered screenwriters. She and her dog Lucca decided to move to Brooklyn instead, where her feet are currently very cold and missing those Uggs.

The biggest highlight from Amelia’s year had to be discovering her passion for weaving and she currently has three looms — named Big Bey, Jay and Blue, after the Knowles-Carter family — on which she creates her masterpieces. All of her ilLOOMiKNOTi weavings are named after songs by alleged Illuminati members. She is incredibly proud of that double word play, by the way.

Other highlights from 2014? Banging two dudes in three hours, getting locked out of her AirBNB in Paris in the middle of the night, seeing Pearl Jam twice, and continuing to marvel at how much cuter Lucca gets with each passing second. She has not worked out or gotten a haircut since 2013.

As you can see, it’s been an exciting, strange, if not always pleasant year for all of us and we certainly hope yours was the same — or, you know, better. Happy Holidays and here’s to a joyous, more emotionally stable 2015!

With love and gratitude,

The Frisky