Who Said Hate-Fucking Can’t Be Romantic?

Is there anything more visceral than the words “hate” and “fuck?” Each triggers a distinct primitive heat that arises in the chest (well, perhaps in the groin for “fuck”). Without even having the word defined or a  personal experience with hate fucking, the two words together almost immediately produce a visual that makes its meaning very clear. Hate fucking is expressing hate or anger towards another person through the act of sex. It titillates that odd part of the human brain where the infliction of pleasure and pain meet, though the act of hate-fucking isn’t necessarily so seedy or scary. One can hate fuck in a variety of contexts, the ugliest being quite literally, fucking someone you hate, or using sex to get out anger and aggression. As a partner once viciously put it: “I want to put my hate inside you.” HOT.

In more relatable terms, think about shagging that ex who you never forgave for stomping all over your heart. You despise him for the emotional pain he put you through, but damn, the sex was crazy good. Now imagine fueling all of that lingering anger into getting down and dirty between the sheets, every thrust saying “Fuck you too.” And those tiny bite marks? Finally got the last word. HOT.

Hate-fucking can even go down after a horrible fight with your current partner as a form of makeup sex. Recently I got into the dumbest fight with my boyfriend. I wanted to keep a pet Betta fish at his apartment because my cat would surely gobble the poor guy up if I kept one at mine, but my boyfriend wasn’t really feeling the whole pet fish idea. Sad and pissed that my boyfriend couldn’t commit to even the most low-maintenance of pets, we got into a heated argument. I yelled, he yelled. And suddenly? Our clothes were off, my nails were leaving scratch marks down his back and the Betta fish was forgotten in the haze of hot, furious fucking. When we were finished, our laughable feud was too. This is what I call “the romantic hate fuck.” At the crossroads between hate fucking and making love, the romantic hate fuck is makeup sex that walks the BDSM tightrope allowing you to get out your anger in a healthy way. Some things don’t need to be talked to death, and fucking someone until you’re no longer mad sure is a lot more fun. One minute you’re screaming about who would take care of a pet fish, the next minute you’re bent over a bouncy workout ball getting lovingly spanked. HOT.

Now, of course there are a few things to keep in mind if one is to engage in hate fucking, especially if you’re going to get kinky with it:

1. Hate-fuck someone you trust to respect your boundaries. Hate-fucking should really never involve fucking someone who is going to treat you like shit and abuse your vulnerability. You may be mad at them, hell, you may even literally hate them, but you should still trust that they will respect your emotional and physical desires while you’re hate-fucking. (And vice versa, of course.)

2. Be careful with boozing before hate-fucking. A tequila-soaked hate-fuck could lead to a hate-fuck hangover and that’s no fun. Hate-fucking is best approached with a clear head.

3. Have a safe word. If you’re going to tread into BDSM territory with anyone, be it a long-term partner or a one-time hookup, it’s important to have a safe word. No matter how mad you are at the person you’re fucking, you still care about their overall well-being, and any pain you both experience should be consensually agreed upon. It’s important to make sure you’re both on the same page and one’s not taking it too far. So make a safeword! “Wombat” is a good example, as yelling something as absurd as an Australian marsupial while tied up and plowed adds an element of silliness to offset the filth.

So, the next time your boyfriend acts like an idiot and you want to grab him by the shirt, go ahead! Then pull him in for a deep kiss and a firm bite on his bottom lip, and go from there. Sometimes, the best way to bring an end to an argument is shutting up and fucking the anger away.