Make It Stop: “I’ve Never Had A Boyfriend & I’m Rarely Attracted To Anyone”

I’m 28, and have never have a boyfriend, and I do not find attraction in other people. I won’t say that I *can’t* find attraction in people, because there have been a handful of guys that I’ve fallen head-over-heels for, but of course, those endeavors have never amounted to anything. I get crushes maybe once every three years. Even though I date regularly, it is very rare for me to have “butterflies.” I don’t think of myself has having a wall up, or being too picky, or being “unworthy of love” or any of that. It doesn’t matter how “perfect” the guy is; we’ll date, and we’ll get along great, and I’ll like hanging out with him, but when he goes in for a kiss, I just can’t bring myself to kiss him because I just *don’t want to.* I see all of my friends having relationship after relationship, and finding genuine attraction in the people they date all the time, and here I am unable to feel the slightest attraction toward anyone. Is this weird, or am I just overthinking it? And yes, I’ve explored the possibility that I might be gay, in case that matters. No luck there, either.

It’s hard to give you my opinion because there’s so much I don’t know about you. Do you live in a city, where you see lots of new people all the time? Or do you live in the suburbs where you never meet anyone new? Have you lived in the same place for a long time? Or do you constantly travel?

Maybe the issue is that you haven’t met enough different types of guys and have only been hanging out with the same core group of dudes and none of them blow your hair back. Maybe you’re just in a dude rut and need to get some newer and hotter faces in the mix.

Your question is about attraction, but you’re talking about it like it’s a fixed attribute, which I’ve never found to be the case. Attraction ebbs and flows as people reveal more sides of their true selves. How many guys are cute until they made a racist joke? How many guys are cute until they say post something lame on their Facebook page? How many guys become suddenly more handsome once they make you laugh? Or after they recommend a great book to you?

You can even be in a relationship with someone you’re not initially attracted to. Sometimes the attraction kicks in once you get to know the person better. It happens all the time. Part of being in a relationship is keeping an open mind and seeing where attraction springs up. Open your heart and allow for it to happen. You might be surprised at what you find attractive, like his strong hands and kind eyes. Or his deep voice and soft hair. Maybe he has perfect teeth or long eyelashes. There must be something that revs your engine! Go out of your way to notice it.

It’s not a problem that you aren’t attracted to many guys, except you seem to be at a loss for how to jumpstart the process. I suppose you’re overly picky, but I don’t know where you live. Maybe there aren’t a lot of hot guys around. I live in Philly where I think the guys are mostly fine, but when I go to New York City I swear every single dude there is a male model. Maybe you’re just uninspired by your towns’ offerings. Is that’s the case, then either travel more or try to widen the net when you online date.

If it makes you feel any better, relationships that start off from insane physical attraction don’t always make the best long-term relationships. In fact, the attraction can be an obstacle when it’s the only thing that keeps a couple together. Lust can oftentimes mask the different values, backgrounds, and overall compatibility issues a couple has otherwise, which sucks too.

The point: attraction is a delicate thing so while I’m not surprised it has eluded you, figure out why it keeps eluding you and do your best to address it.

Take the initiative to explore different kinds of guys. Maybe you’ll do better with someone from a completely different background than someone with a similar background. Get out of your comfort zone and give those dudes a chance.

At the end of the day, I wouldn’t worry about this attraction conundrum too much. You’re young and still have plenty of time to connect with the right person. Just keep doing you, while keeping an eye out for new experiences.

I have several co-workers who come to work sick because they don’t want to fell behind. But seriously, I don’t want their cooties! How can I get them so stay the F home and not be a work hero?

Sick people are everywhere this time of year; at the grocery story punching in their debit card pin number into the keypad; on the subway, gripping the railings; at the cafe tipping skim milk into their coffee cups.

While it might seem like the guy who is sneezing twenty feet away is putting your health at risk, the truth is that your computer’s keyboard, the break room kitchen sponge, and most doorknobs in your office host just as many germs as the guy wiping his nose on his sleeve across the room.

While you can’t police everyone else’s germ management, you can build up your immunity. Wash your hands several times a day. Get a good night’s sleep. Eat veggies and drink herbal tea, that kind of stuff.

And if you see a co-workers glassy-eyed with a raw nose and a bucket full of used Kleenex, instead of yelling, “Go home!” through a bullhorn, you could say, “What can I do to help so you’d feel comfortable going home and resting?” Maybe they just have one or two more projects to wrap up. See what they say and offer to pitch in.

Good luck and stay healthy!

Make It Stop is a weekly column in which Anna Goldfarb — the blogger behind Shmitten Kitten and Shlooby Kitten — tells you what’s up. Want a fresh take on a stinky dilemma? Email [email protected] with the subject “Make It Stop.” She’ll make it all better, or at least make you laugh. Girl Scout’s honor.