Be My Boyfriend: Man Whose Moves To “Push It” Are Better Than Those Of Salt-N-Pepa

Dear Man Whose Moves To “Push It” Are Better Than Those Of Salt-N-Pepa,

For the last 40 minutes or so, I’ve been watching you gyrate and bust a move like the seasoned dance floor veteran that you are, without once losing interest in your funky groove.

The caption on the YouTube video you star in reads: “This is the way it’s done in WV and these wasn’t his best moves.” The writer in me so badly wants to edit that sentence to be grammatically correct (whilst cracking an inappropriate joke about West Virginia), but the woman in me cannot be bothered with such trivial things when there is roughly 260 lbs of man meat just … getting all sexual in front of me.

While I can’t quite ascertain what kind of event you were attending while you mopped the floor with Salt-N-Pepa’s choreography, I regret that I was not invited. I can only hope that one day you travel to New York where you can attend one of our bowling alley/community center/church dances and grace this beautiful city with some equally as beautiful dance moves.

I wish you all the best, and will see you in my dreams.