12 Questions I Have For Charles Manson’s Fiance

In case you’ve missed the internet’s collective freakout this week, Charles Manson, mass murderer, is engaged to a 26-year-old named Afton Elaine Burton. Manson is serving life in prison and the pair has permission to marry in the facility. A few questions I have for Burton…

1. Why are you allowed to cuddle with him in all your pictures together? They don’t even let prisoners touch their guests in “Arrested Development” but this guy is allowed?

2. Do you think he’s innocent of all those murders or just doesn’t deserve punishment or…?

3. Does it freak you out even a little bit that you have the same wholesome, waifish look as the ladies who carried out Manson’s previous murders for him?

4. How often do you get to talk to him?

5. Does he want you to help break him out? Or kill people?

6. Just how “witty,” as you claim, can he really be? No, seriously, what’s the best joke he ever told you?

7. Is your family coming to the wedding?

8. You know he’s not allowed to have conjugal visit, right? Like you will never, in your entire marriage, get laid?

9. Have you ever considered the people who were brutally murdered because of this man?

10. What on earth was your childhood like?

11. Do you have a Pinterest wedding board?

12. What do you think about the fact that a cult leader and convicted killer is able to marry who he wants while thousands if not millions of law-abiding gay couples in this country are still without that right?