The Toy Box: Reviewing The PicoBong Transformer

I was like a little kid on Christmas day when I got my hands on the PicoBong Transformer. The thing was frightening looking in person, but any toy that’s a rabbit vibe, clitorial massager, cock ring, G-spot vibe and prostate massager all in one is a toy that I’m going to need to try out. Since I was alone this weekend, I decided to give the Transformer solo test drive, and it was interesting to say the least. I was either going to end up in ecstasy or in the hospital, but I took my chances. Here’s how it went…

The transformer was larger than I expected. It’s a little bit longer than the length of my forearm, and the vibrators at either end are approximately the size of Silly Putty containers (it’s the closest thing in size and shape I could think of). I contorted the thing around for a little while, playing with the various shapes it could take, and realized that bending it took a little bit more elbow grease than I thought. There’s not a whole lot of “give,” which told me that I needed to maneuver the toy into the desired “shape” before I gave it a whirl. It came with an instruction booklet, which included diagrams of the different shapes the Transformer can take, but it didn’t show them on BODIES, which is pointless. They may as well have given me an IKEA assembly instruction booklet, because it was about that useful. (In other words, not at all.) In addition, the positions were named things like “Curious,” which certainly didn’t help me in determining where the hell to put it. It would have been more useful if they showed the image of the toy position with a description that said “How To Try ‘Curious’: Insert one end anally and one end vaginally” … or something.  You get the point.

I decided to start off easy. I figured put one end in my vagina and rest the other end against my clit for stimulation. Easy peasy. I turned on the toy and flipped through a few vibration settings until I found one that I liked. I picked one that was steady but strong, and put a few drops of lube on the end before inserting it. Once it was in my vagina, I realized that the toy wasn’t twisted quite right in order for the other end to rub the clit. When I tried to adjust the toy to extend the free end higher, the wire was so difficult to move that the other end of the toy started to pull out of my vagina. Every time I tried to move it, even using both hands, it started to slide out. I ended up having to take the toy out, twist it in a different position that looked like it would work better and re-insert it. It was annoying, to say the least. I finally got it in the right position to where it didn’t feel like I was hatching an egg, but I wasn’t really feeling it. I changed the vibration setting thinking that might help, but nope. It felt good, but wasn’t doing it for me after about ten minutes, so I opted for a bold plan B: double penetration.

I took the toy out of my vagina and cleaned it off with cleaning spray. I grabbed it, turned it on to the vibration and intensity setting I wanted and lubed it up on both ends. I relaxed and slowly and carefully inserted one into my ass. Note: if you’re not normally one to try ass play, I wouldn’t suggest using this toy your first time. When I tried to get the other end into my vagina, every bend of the free end pushed the anal end further inside, and in case you weren’t aware, having an egg-like object pushing deep into your butt is not a pleasant feeling. I’ve heard horror stories about people ripping the anal wall from intense rectal pressure, and actually feared for my life for a few moments. Even when I was pushing the other end into the vagina, it pushed the anal end deeper because they were attached to the same wire. I had to use both hands to prevent it from going too deep.

Once the toy was in both my butt and vagina, I knew I needed to change the vibration setting. The only problem is that the settings are ON ONE END OF THE TOY, which was currently up my ass. Why would any toy keep the settings buttons in an end that’s meant for insertion? I waited a few minutes (without moving around because I didn’t need that thing making me feel like I was shitting backwards) before I decided to remove the vaginal end (carefully), wipe it clean and just rub it against my clit.

Finally, after a few minutes, I reached orgasm— hard. And as you know, when you come, you often move around a little bit, which was problematic for my asshole and the one end of the toy that refused to just be. I have a feeling this toy would be WAY better with a male partner, because the vibration was strong and there were a lot of great settings. I could wrap it around his penis and use it as a cock ring while it massages me, but to put it honestly, this thing scares me in general. It looks like Medusa, and two days later my ass is still aching. If you’re going to try it out, proceed with caution.