6 Times I Am So Damn Happy To Be Single (In Honor Of Singles Day!)

This morning, I was talking to my therapist about boys and she asked me what I ultimately am really looking for in a partner, by which she (and I) mean someone I could see myself seriously dating. “Well, to be honest, sometimes I am really, really happy to not have a boyfriend, because boyfriends tend to distract from all the other things I’m busy doing,” I said. “But I also really would like to meet someone I seriously dig, who also seriously digs me in the same way, and considers spending time with me one of their priorities, as opposed to something they fit in when they feel like it.”

“You want to really matter to someone,” my therapist interjected.

“Yes!” I said. “And the thing is, it’s not that I even desire all that much attention because the thing I don’t like about relationships is how much time they can take up. Really, it would be great to have a amazing, loving, cool boyfriend about 70 percent of the time, and the other 30 percent of the time he would be tucked away in a closet where he can’t get up to any funny business while I spent my time weaving for hours on end and eating ice cream for dinner.”

“So you want someone who’s very independent, like you are, but feeling secure with them is still an issue,” she said, referencing the whole “lock boyfriend in a closet” bit. Nailed it.

I have only ever felt totally secure in one relationship and it just so happens that relationship ended incredibly suddenly, without warning, like the rug was pulled out from under me. Still, though that feeling of security was false towards the end, it was genuine for the bulk of our relationship, and I still remember how good it felt to just TRUST that my boyfriend loved me unconditionally and that our relationship was a priority. If I could find that again, my hypothetical boyfriend wouldn’t need to spend 30 percent of the time locked in a closet, though I would still want that 30 percent of time to my self. But until that drop dead gorgeous unicorn of a man lands in my lap, I revel in those moments when I am so so so glad to be single (especially today, which just so happened to be Singles Day in China). For example…

1. It’s Friday night, “Interstellar” is in theaters and all I want to do is weave for six hours. No man dragging me to the movie theater, one of my least favorite places on earth by the way. And no dude around “settling” for staying in and watching a movie On Demand either, chattering in my ear about “this exploding missiles movie versus that exploding missiles movie” while I’m trying to count stitches. No guy who hasn’t gotten it through his damn head that “shut the fuck up, ‘Vanderpump Rules’ is on” isn’t a suggestion. Nope, just me, my dog, my loom and Direct TV, LIVING IT UP LIKE SINGLE LADIES DOOOOO.

2. Every single time I see a couple having some sort of annoying argument in public. Doesn’t matter whether it’s just a tiff over him taking a tone with her about not walking fast enough to their destination or a full-on blowout where she’s accusing him of doing something totally shitty, I am just so fucking glad not to have those kinds of petty, shitty-feeling conflicts in my life. I find dudes distracting enough as it is, but nothing makes me incapable of doing anything productive like being in a fight with my boyfriend. I don’t have a boyfriend to fight with, suckers. HAHAHAHAHA!

3. After having a heart-to-heart with a friend who is concerned about some aspect of their significant other’s health, be it physical or mental. As a nurturer by nature, I worry far more about other people than I do myself, though I keep myself pretty well in check. So every time I lend an ear to a friend whose boyfriend is trying to quit smoking and totally sneaking cigs on the side, or resisting going to therapy even though they desssssperately need it, I feel really grateful that the only doctor appointments and weird moles I have to worry about are my own.

4. When I’m having kick ass sex with someone new. Hell, I feel psyched about being single every time I meet a guy I totally want to bang, because chances are generally pretty good I will bang him (this is both braggy and a comment on how DTF most dudes are). There are so many people to have sex with in this world! Hell yeah I’m delighted that I can take advantage of those opportunities if I so please.

5. When I finally have time off to take a vacation and I don’t have to consider a cold weather destination for even a tiny little second. Maybe it’s just been my luck, but a lot of the dudes I’ve dated have been mountain people instead of beach people. They prefer snow to sand. I don’t understand this person and I’m so glad I don’t have to even entertain the suggestion of going somewhere frigid/rainy/snowy/windy/hellish, like Idaho to ski (BLECH) or Ireland in the middle of rainy season (beautiful, but NOPE). I’ll send you a postcard from hot, sunny Tulum, Boyfriend-I-Don’t-Have!

6. Every weekend when I don’t bother to shower, shave or brush my hair. This isn’t every weekend by any means, but I like having the option to go on a grooming sabbatical. No boyfriend around to make a stink about my stink! Wooooot!