The Foolproof Way To Get Out Of The Friendzone: Dress Like An Asshole

I have a theory: Esquire is on women’s side when it comes to the whole friendzone thing. Meaning, they get it. When a woman decides that she’s not romantically interested in one of her male friends, that’s kind of the bottom line. She’s drawn her boundaries in their relationship and that’s the end of the story. And that’s why they’re giving men terrible, terrible fashion advice to get out of the “friendzone.”

I mean, this has to be a wink-wink, nudge-nudge inside joke-cum-prank for women, right? Because…

A) …the “friendzone” isn’t a real thing. There’s friendship, but the “friendzone” is a thing that guys who aren’t very good friends tell themselves exists because they don’t respect the woman they’re “friends” with and think that the fact of being a decent person toward a woman they’re attracted to entitles them to a relationship — which, of course, ironically also makes them not a decent person to that woman. We know that, and I’m guessing Esquire knows that, because…

B) …if it did exist, you wouldn’t be able to dress your way out of it. No woman is going “Oh, you have a bomber jacket now? Well then HOP ON IN MY PANTS, SAILOR!” And finally…

C) …these suggestions are hideous and expensive. I have to imagine the goal here is to get a guy who’s disrespectful enough toward a woman he claims is his friend to persist in idealizing and sexualizing her to spend $5467.63 (before the candy-stripe clown scarf) on a ridiculous-looking ensemble so that she can laugh off the last several months of anxiety she’s felt toward their relationship as he’s continued to text and text and text, and buy her shit she doesn’t want, and passively flirt, and in general make what was supposed to be a friendship really, really awkward despite the fact that she’s been clear that she doesn’t want to date him.

Because come on. If you took the advice seriously, the bizarro logic of it would just make your brain explode:

ADVICE:“Shave your beard or clean up your facial hair. Remember: She needs to recalibrate your standing in her life.”

LOGIC: When a male friend shaves, women take it as a sign that means anything more than “he decided to shave today.”

ADVICE:“Throw on a little Blue De Chanel cologne and wait for the inevitable compliments.”

LOGIC: Women only compliment people they’re about to bone.

ADVICE: “Put on Ralph Lauren Black Label’s leather flight jacket and watch your friend zone shackles miraculously disappear.”

LOGIC: Bomber jackets are magic talismans that make crotches moist. Also: Friendship with a woman is the same thing as enslavement.

ADVICE:“At some point she’ll text her friend that night discussing how ‘polished’ you look.”

LOGIC: Women who live in the real world text their friends about their male friends’ clothes, because REALITY. Also: A flower lapel pin will not make you look like a clown.

ADVICE:“Change things up and invest in something heavy with character like a shawl-collar sweatshirt. It will leave her asking questions, and that’s what you want.”

LOGIC: If a woman asks about your ridiculous-looking sweatshirt, it’s because she wants to fuck you, not because your sweatshirt looks ridiculous and she’s wondering why you spent $80 on it.

ADVICE: “Wear your edgiest shades when you meet her, and when she asks to try them on know that she’s starting to come around to you.”

LOGIC: If she asks to try on your sunglasses, the only thing it could possibly mean is that you’re about to get that pussy, OBVIOUSLY.

ADVICE:“Remember, you want her thinking about you differently the next day. Same colors, same thought. Different color, different thoughts.”

LOGIC: Scarves are MIND CONTROL! You can MIND CONTROL your way into a relationship with a friend who doesn’t want to date you!

It has to be a joke, right? … Right??

Here’s a tip: If you want to get out of the “friendzone,” stop being friends with her and move the fuck on. It’s a lot less expensive and you won’t make her feel anxious and creeped out in the meantime.


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