Terrible Human Asks Dear Prudence If They Have To Give Candy To Poor Children Trick-Or-Treating In Their Rich Neighborhood

I don’t always agree with Slate’s Dear Prudie advice columnist, but she nailed her response to a person who wrote in to complain about children from lower-income neighborhoods coming to her rich neighborhood to trick-or-treat on Halloween. First, here’s “Halloween For The 99 Percent”:

I have noticed that on Halloween, what seems like 75 percent of the trick-or-treaters are clearly not from this neighborhood. Kids arrive in overflowing cars from less fortunate areas. I feel this is inappropriate.

Sorry to interrupt, but y’all know what “clearly not from this neighborhood” usually means, right? Varying shades of brown. Anyway, go on:

Halloween isn’t a social service or a charity in which I have to buy candy for less fortunate children. Obviously this makes me feel like a terrible person, because what’s the big deal about making less fortunate kids happy on a holiday?

Yes, your first instinct is correct — you are a terrible person. But continue:

But it just bugs me, because we already pay more than enough taxes toward actual social services. Should Halloween be a neighborhood activity, or is it legitimately a free-for-all in which people hunt down the best candy grounds for their kids?

Prudie rightly points out that there are a multitude of reasons why these children and their families would come to the letter writer’s wealthier neighborhood on Halloween, including the fact that the streets are likely better lit and safer to walk at night. And yes, there’s probably a good chance that houses owned by people with money are also going to be better stocked with candy on Halloween, a holiday for CHILDREN from all economic backgrounds. WHO CARES? DO IT HAPPILY, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Or pretend not to be home and sit in darkness, thinking about what an unkind, ungenerous, uppity asshole you are. WHATEVER. That this person is bothered by the presence of poor children on any day, let alone a holiday where they dress up as mermaids and superheroes and ghouls, in their wealthy neighborhood is grotesque. That he or she thought to write in to an advice columnist about this problem makes them even more putrid. And Prudie let ‘em have it:

Your whine makes me kind of wish that people from the actual poor side of town come this year not with scary costumes but with real pitchforks. Stop being callous and miserly and go to Costco, you cheapskate, and get enough candy to fill the bags of the kids who come one day a year to marvel at how the 1 percent live.

Preach. Also, “Go to Costco, bitch” is my new diss. [Slate]