What To REALLY Expect When Your Girlfriend Gets Her Period & How To Act Accordingly
When it comes to periods, guys sometimes need a little help. Since they don’t have vaginas, periods are like the Bermuda Triangle: mysterious, feared, and where good things go to die. But fear not, bros! The best thing you can do comes straight from the mouth of one of the world’s most cinematic legends, Scar from “The Lion King”— “Be prepared.” Here are some things you can expect the next time your girlfriend gets her monthly visit from Aunt Flo and how to act appropriately when these scenarios occur.
1. Period Poops: Not only do we bleed from our vaginas, but something else happens to our insides that makes it very common to blow up the bathroom in the worst way possible. Farts and diarrhea happen, complete with body sweats, a grumbling stomach and simultaneous bleeding. Arm the bathroom with Poopourri and do not enter or mention the smell.
2. Granny Panties: When we have our periods, we want to wear the most forgiving underwear we can find. Aside from being bloated and feeling like everything is tight, we don’t want to ruin our nice underwear with blood (yes, it happens). Avoid making comments like “Nice undies, grandma,” and “What are you wearing?”
3. Bleeding: Not only can the aforementioned underwear bleeding occur, but sometimes we bleed through our clothes and sheets, too. We’re not spewing blood like in the “Carrie” movies, but sometimes our flow can get heavy. If this happens, do not act disgusted in front of us. We already feel miserable enough.
4. Cramps: It’s hard to explain the misery of menstrual cramps, but imagine little elves were running around inside your balls and squeezing them with little death grips. Before you bitch about our cramp complaints, think about the elves and the ball-squeezing and reserve judgment. If you can’t physically experience it, don’t assume you have any right to criticize.
5. Toilet Tampons: Sometimes periods make us a bit absent-minded. Every once in a while, we may forget to flush the toilet, or our tampons don’t go down the first time and we don’t realize. If you see a floater, just flush the damn thing and don’t mention it to us.
6. Bad Moods: This is bound to occur, but do NOT— I repeat, do NOT— acknowledge the mood by saying “Are you on your period?” or “Boy, do you have PMS!” This is infuriating and will not be met with kindness.
7. Food Cravings: She may want chocolate, chinese food, or in my case, an entire tub of macaroni salad. When this happens, offer to get it for her, and her mood (and appreciation for you) will improve substantially. But the next time you want a favor from her, you can not use this against her since you don’t have periods that she can, in turn, hold against you.
8. Period Sex: Sometimes our hormones make us horny and we actually want sex while we have our periods. Never assume this is the case unless she says so, and if so, proceed with caution. If you choose to do it, it could be messy, and take direction in terms of roughness… we’re going to be more sensitive than usual. Also, SHE knows how much she is bleeding and when to give you the green light. If she says you should hold off, you should hold off. TRUST US.
9. Sensitive Boobs: Your girlfriend’s boobs, particularly her nipples, will probably swell and be more sensitive than usual. They may look amazing busting out of her t-shirt, but that doesn’t give you the right to poke, prod or fondle. If she gives you the go ahead to cop a feel, go easy on the biting and licking. It would be like the equivalent of playing with the tip of your penis just after you came— there’s a fine line between super sensitive and painful.
10. Clothes and Appearance: Expect a lot of sweatpants, yoga pants, baggy sweatshirts and the absence of bras. When girls have their periods, they dress for comfort, not you. Avoid insulting her appearance, and if she asks you a trap question like “Do I look fat?” or “Is my face horribly broken out?” answer with a “no” and then remove yourself from the situation by offering to go get her food (See: No. 7)
Best of luck and Godspeed, friends!