Mommie Dearest: Some Thoughts For Blake Lively On “Preserving” Her Pregnancy

If you haven’t heard already, let me be the one to fill you in: Blake Lively is pregnant! Lively, an actress and Martha Stewart wannabe (without the jail time, one hopes), announced her pregnancy via her lifestyle website Preserve. I’m actually fairly surprised that no media outlet hasn’t jumped all over writing “Will Blake Lively be able to ‘Preserve’ her body post-baby?” but sadly, such double entendre headlines are most likely around the corner.

Preserve serves up a wistful, dreamy, fanciful, and 99 percent unattainable aesthetic, unless you happen to have an extra $150 to spend on pants that look like an upside down sweatshirt or want to drop $65 on something that looks like it was made by my 2nd grade son. And, I have a sneaking suspicion that all things pregnancy will be treated similarly. But here’s the thing: pregnancy isn’t all that dreamy and fanciful. Sure, you can take some heavily filtered but no less gorgeous photos of you cupping the new life inside of you with the sun shining down, but that’s not really representative of pregnancy as a whole. And when you think about it, I can understand why. Nobody wants to talk about the not-so-perfect parts of pregnancy. Nobody wants to talk about the icky, weird, or strange parts. Nobody wants to preserve those parts. But, just in case, I’ll share a few so we can get a balanced look at what pregnancy is really like.

1. Nipple sensitivity. Sure, that sounds really fun and fabulous at first, but then it gets to the point where even putting on a thin, cotton T-shirt can cause you to cringe. Brushing up against somebody accidentally without a padded barrier can cause yelps instead of moans. But just think of it as preparation for all the other nipple sensations you’ll have to get used to if you breastfeed.

2. Poop. Sure, there’s lots of poop talk once the baby comes, but what about before? It’s all sorts of chaos during pregnancy. Sometimes you’re constipated, sometimes it’s the exact opposite (but mostly constipated). And then there’s the birth poop. Nobody ever talks about this, and it’s usually glossed over in most pregnancy book, but it happens. During labor. While you’re pushing out the baby, other stuff can get pushed out too. Yeah.

3. Wacky hormones. With all the hot flashes (and accompanying non-stop sweating) I experienced during pregnancy and postpartum, I am absolutely frightened of menopause. Like, so terrified that I actually started researching hormone replacement therapy to learn what all that was about because of what might happen in another 20 years. Also, if you’re anything like me, random commercials will make you cry.

4. Everyone thinks they own your body. Sweet, little, old ladies. Grocery store baggers. Bank tellers. The guy behind you in line at the deli. Having a protruding stomach automatically gives people a green line to touch you, tell you their birth stories (usually horrific), and overall insert themselves into your business like never before. Nobody ever gets dreamy pictures of the snippy lady at the oil change place warning you about postpartum hemorrhoids while she feels your belly up trying to discern if you’re having a boy or girl.

5. Information overload. While this isn’t happening directly to your body, it impacts your mind and can cause stress headaches, nausea, and heartburn. Seriously. Everyone is going to start telling you what you need to do or what you better not do, and more often than not you’re going

All that said, pregnancy can still be a totally interesting, fantastic, and sometimes awesome experience. But, it’s definitely not always Pinterest perfect, and I wish we could stop pretending it was.