An Open Letter To The People Who Decided “American Horror Story” Should Air At 10PM

Dear People Who Decided “American Horror Story” Should Air At 10 p.m.,

First, let me begin this letter as a thank you note for providing us fantastic entertainment and a weekly dose of Jessica Lange since October of 2011. Every season of your mini-series has been compelling, addictive and straight up scary, as expected. This brings me to my next point: why did you choose to have your hour-long, frightening show air at 10 p.m., just before most of the adults in the world have to turn out their lights and go to bed? Not cool.

For a show whose premise is to scare the crap out of its audience with evil doctors, ghosts, witches and, most recently, murderous clowns, may I suggest you move your show to, say… 9 p.m. (or even 9:30) for the East Coast folks? This way, people who have to get up for work in the morning have ample time to watch a rerun of “New Girl” or something AFTER “AHS” is over and BEFORE they attempt go to sleep (and good luck with that). I love that we get to watch a full hour of the show each week, but I do not love staring at the window waiting for a knife-wielding clown to intrude and kill me when I’m supposed to be sleeping. I will be on watch for the clown until the morning light seeps through my window and it’s time to go to work, and this is just not productive for me, or any human who watches your show.

I recognize that the content of the show is for mature audiences and you need to wait until kiddies are asleep as to not scar them for life. I get that. But what about allllllllll the adults who stay up to watch the show and end up with insomnia because they’re petrified of turning out the lights? Or even worse, what about the people who watch the show and then run from room to room locking windows and doors and looking behind shower curtains for killers? I think if you started “American Horror Story” an hour earlier, it would allow sufficient time for all the chickenshit grown people to calm their nerves before hitting the sack— and this is almost everyone. If you refuse to start earlier, the least you could do for us is end each show with a 5-minute clip of funny internet cat videos or clips from “Friends” or something to help ease us into the idea of bedtime. HELP THE PEOPLE SLEEP.

Thank you for considering my suggestion, and please make this season more interesting, k thanks.

Sincerely,

Every Person Who Watches Your Show

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