Creative Ways To Announce A Pregnancy In Any Profession

Facebook is overrun with pictures of baby bumps or “side belly cleavage,” as I like to call it, originating with women announcing their journey from TTC (trying to conceive) to TWW (two-week window after ovulation) to Chosen Ones With Tiny John McCains in Their Bellies. As friends, we’re overjoyed when we see these in our feed, obviously, because we’re all going to get free baby lessons once our friends duplicate (this  is the correct terminology, right?).

There is a contingent of people who find the public baby bump pics, ultrasound avatars, or photographs of loaf of bread in the oven a little smug. But my key objection is the sheer lack of originality. Your ovaries spit out an egg that caught the flying shuttlecock of your mate mid-Fallopian tube — that is some world-class tennis you’re playing, lady! Your prowess in implanting a fertilized embryo deserves something a little more personalized.

If you’ve received the lucky news that you’re adding an initial to your Pottery Barn towels, tell your friends and family one of these fun ways:

For the engineer:

I’m finally going to test the load-bearing capacity of these hips.

For the Etsy shop manager:

I’m working on a custom order, est. delivery anywhere from seven to nine months.

For the gallery director:

We have had a special endowment from one of our donors.

For the public radio host:

I had a very special driveway moment 12 weeks ago.

For the web editor:

I am starting a new vertical.

For the graphic designer:

It’s fairly pixelated right now, but I should have something high-res for you in another seven months.

For the dog walker:

I’ve got goodies in my treat pouch.

For the comic fan:

I’m working on something canon.

For the astrophysicist:

I just split the atom.

For the project manager:

I’m hosting a SCRUM in my uterus.

For the AutoCAD specialist:

I am working on some incredibly functionality, with 4D rendering.

For the publicist:

I am building buzz in my belly.

For the artisanal kombucha maker:

The proud mother has a scoby in the works.

For the environmental advocate:

My water table is about to drop.

For the flight attendant:

We’re getting ready to deplane in eight months.

For the cityofficial:

I’ve waived the red tape to push through approval of a substantial development.

For the Bustle blogger:

I’m not making any money, but I’ve aggregated something really special.

For the patissier:

I need more butter.

For the Monsanto drone:

I’m working on a genetically modified version of myself that could ruin my uterus.

For the Pottery Barn employee:

I’ve got a very expensive knockoff in my hutch.

For the physician:

It won’t be under my billing code, but I’ve got a big elective coming up.

For the college student:

This new undertaking means I am going to be broke until my sixties.

For the photographer:

You’re going to love what I’m hiding in my dark room.

For the carpenter:

I’ve created a multi-jointed masterpiece without using a single nail.

For the late night host:

Thank you, thank you.

For celebrity “curators” of their own lifestyle web blogs/shopping web sites:

I’m working on an extra special winter preserve.

For the social outreach worker:

I’m tired of walking.

For the public defender:

I had a hot date with central booking six weeks ago where I encountered some very shaky due cause on a wooden bench, if you know what I mean.

For the district attorney:

I’ve gone and put a helpless being in a confined space.

For the Soul Cycle instructor:

THE NEXT INTERVAL IS GOING TO LAST UNTIL MAY.

For the grocery store clerk:

You are not going to believe what I found behind the t.p. and a vat of detergent.

For the UN representative:

I’ve got the assembly right here, baby.

Janet Manley writes for McSweeney’s and SparkLife. You can read more at JanetManley.com. Follow her on Twitter!

[Image of a woman with a dog via Shutterstock]