10 Questions I Have For The Guy Who Accidentally Microwaved His Stool Sample At Work

The subreddit Today I Fucked Up is a source of endless amusement, full of truly facepalm-worthy tales of shame and embarrassment, but I think maybe it has finally reached its pinnacle with this particular tale of woe. While I’m not naive enough to think this fantastically foul story is absolutely 100 percent true, nor do I want to make light of the poster’s obvious drinking problem if it is authentic, I am suspending my disbelief (and concern) for the endless LULZ and mind-blowing questions it inspires. Take it away, MicrowavedMyFeces:

The following is going to be gross, and I apologize: For the past weeks, every few bowel movements I have noticed some weird blood mixed in with the feces. Obviously I took this as a bad sign, and made an appointment with a doctor. I was told to bring a stool sample.

My doctors appointment was after work today. So in the fridge, in my lunch bag, I had two tupperware containers. One was my stool sample, the other was leftover chinese food.

On a lot of days at work I tend to drink a bit to get through the day. I have some vodka in my water bottle. I never get plastered or even drunk, but I like to maintain a nice buzz. A steady buzz really helps you through the shift and dissolves the stress. Also makes me much more sociable and likeable with my co-workers. On days when I am not buzzed people tend to ask me “what’s wrong?” or remark that I am quieter than usual. I kind of need that buzz.

For whatever reason, maybe nerves about the doctors appointment, I overdid it with the drinking today.

When I went on my lunch break I was drunk. I was also wearing headphones. So I was just kind of spaced out. Drunk, lost in the haze of the music, etc. My mind was elsewhere as I prepared my lunch.

I left to go to the bathroom while my food was microwaving. I get back to the kitchen and I see people gathered around the microwave with looks of revulsion on their face. It is then that I am hit with a putrid odor. In horror, I stumbled toward the microwave and saw that I had microwaved my stool sample.

Not only had it heated up, but some of it had exploded and coated the interior of the microwave with boiling shit. Somebody threw up in the trash can.

I stuttered some sort of excuse about microwaving the wrong thing, and reached in to try to grab the container, but I dropped it on the floor. Then I threw up. When I looked up again people were staring at me with horror and disgust. I was physically overwhelmed with a terrible sensation of dread and shame. I grabbed paper towels to try to clean, but I was no longer functioning on any real mental level and just sort of stood there shaking.

At some point somebody came alone who was very polite, but clearly trying in a very forced way to hide their disturbance, and they said I could go home. Instead I just sat on a bench in the parking lot for a few hours.

I think I will quit my job. If I’m not already fired. How I can face these people again is incomprehensible. No, it isn’t possible. It will have to be a new job for me. Not to mention a new doctor. I can never explain why I missed my appointment.

And now for my questions, directed at Mr. MicrowavedMyFeces:

  1. Who stores a stool sample in the office refrigerator next to their lunch OMG? Seriously, did this not give you pause at all?
  2. Are you exclusively a morning/once-a-day pooper and that’s why you decided to play it safe by using this poop, dropped early on in the day, as your sample?
  3. Were you worried that someone would peek inside the bag to check if it was their lunch and be horrified to see your poop inside?
  4. How would you have explained that, seriously?
  5. Did your doctor say that your stool sample needed to be kept at a certain temperature to be viable? And if not…
  6. Why did you choose to store it in your office fridge where anyone could find it, as opposed to inside a desk drawer?
  7. Or, perhaps a better idea, why didn’t you ask to leave work a little bit early so you could swing home to pick up your stool sample from inside your own fridge before your doctor’s appointment?
  8. Did you consider trying to procure a poop sample later in the day, closer to your doctor’s appointment, by encouraging a bowel movement via coffee or laxative consumption, and if not, WHY?
  9. Considering you mistook your stool sample for your Chinese food, how relieved are you that you didn’t end up eating it?
  10. Do you mind if I steal this embarrassing story and use it as inspiration for a prank someday? I will give you credit.