The End Zone: The 5 Types Of People In Your Fantasy League

We’re coming up on Week 4, the season is almost a third over already, and if you’re in a fantasy league, this means you’ve had plenty of time to see the true colors of the people you fake-own football teams with: and as it turns out, that color is obnoxious. If you have the misfortune of being a slave to your lineup week in and week out, you’ve probably met one, or all, of these fantasy league jerks before.

1. The Statistician: This guy lives and dies by the numbers – which is useful when you’re mining him for advice on how to draft in your other league, and annoying as all get out when you’re in a league with him. Mention that Peyton Manning is doing well for you? He’ll rattle off a veritable ticker tape of fantasy stats, to the second decimal point, to tell you how he could have predicted that two seasons ago. If football is a game of inches, fantasy football to him is a game of unrounded points, because you NEVER round the points up, even when they’re six decimal places long. (He was also probably the same nerd who tried to teach you the math problem that spells out 55378008 on a calculator, instead of just typing out BOOBLESS like everyone else.)

2. The Tinkerer: If “When Harry Met Sally” played out in the halls of ESPN’s Fantasy Site, this girl would be Sally … on crack. Every starting lineup decision would come with a secondary and tertiary decision, as well as their own backup plans. No time is more stressful for her than 30 minutes before kickoff, because even though she knows she shouldn’t start Knile Davis over Michael Crabtree for her flex spot, she’ll endlessly switch them back and forth, while Gchatting half her contact list for pros and cons.  And when her roster finally does lock, with Crabtree starting? OH CRAP. She meant to start Davis.

3. The Historian: I’ll admit, I am this person. The historian is there to chronicle every single poor decision other league managers made … except her own. She takes pride in crafting emails the size of small novels mercilessly mocking her league cohorts for their bad drafting, their forgetfulness to reset their rosters, their ill-advised hookups that are over five years old, all of it. She also goes notably silent any week she loses a matchup. But damn if that Terri Schiavo joke, the one so crude you can’t repeat it in mixed company for fear of losing all your friends, wasn’t excellent.

4. The Blowhard: This guy treats every game as if he personally was on the field in lieu of LeSean McCoy, blazing through the end zone and racking up half a point per rushing yard. All of his pride is derived from how well his team is doing, and I hate to say it, but while it’s easy to write him off as being secretly insecure about his you-know-what, he’s probably doing pretty great in that department too. Which just makes him even more insufferable. He’s not too competitive. You’re too competitive.

5. The Nervous Nelly: Nervous Nelly is so paranoid about any trade you initiate with her, for fear that you’re just trying to take advantage, that she ends up sabotaging her own team. The more she knows about football, the more nervous she gets – the oddest of correlations – because her paranoia increases with each trade offer that comes in, that she’ll take the wrong one and be accused of “not really knowing about football anyways.” She’ll ultimately lose the season, half her marbles, all of her wits, and any ability she had left to form long-lasting meaningful relationships built on mutual trust. Which is good, because in fantasy football, you really should trust no one.

[Photo of a bunch of football fans via Shutterstock]

The End Zone, The Frisky’s new weekly football column by Beejoli Shah, is sponsored by Smirnoff Ice. Smirnoff Ice is not a sponsor of the NFL.