10 Beers To Drink In Case You Care That Pabst Is Being Bought Out By A Russian Company

OH NOES! Pabst Brewing Company is being bought out by Russian company Oasis. This doesn’t just mean that the Russians will own PBR — they’ll also own Schlitz, Old Milwaukee, and Colt 45. No one knows what this will mean for American fans of horrible, horrible beer, partially because it’s probable that nothing will change on the consumer’s end, but I’m just going to go ahead and speculate that there will never be any PBR for Americans ever again anyway, because it amuses me to do so.

I don’t think it’s that much of a loss, honestly. There are bars in Chicago that have been charging four dollars for PBR. FOUR DOLLARS. FOR THAT RANK PISS-WATER. The first time I drank beer, I had Left Handed Milk Stout, and I’ve pretty much stuck to that and Revolution’s Eugene Porter since then. (OK, Domaine DuPage is really good, too.) (And Bell’s Two Hearted.) (And everything from Half Acre.) (YEAH I DRINK LOCAL I’M A HIPSTER OK WHATEVER.) But I finally broke down and had PBR at a pre-party for a play because they were giving it away for free. And, you know, when it’s free, PBR isn’t half-bad. But four dollars isn’t free. That’s highway robbery.

If you happen to be inclined to pay money that you earn for crappy beer and for some reason either buy into my wild speculation about Russian ownership of Pabst affecting your ability to buy it OR are stuck in the Cold War era and are boycotting Russian products, here are some other either really bad or really cheap beers that you can buy instead:

  1. Lagunitas IPA. YEAH, I SAID IT. Why does everyone love this beer?! It’s not cheap and it tastes like burning cat farts.

  2. Old Style. Cheap AND terrible. Preferred to PBR by ultra-snobby Chicago hipsters who can afford to drink better beer but like to imagine themselves a part of the proletariat.

  3. Keystone. For when you’ve lost all hope and/or are in college.

  4. Natural Ice. It WILL get you drunk.

  5. Name Tag. This is the Trader Joe’s brand beer, but the boss thing about it is that it’s cheap and actually pretty good. Bonus: Trader Joe’s has a beer guide that tells you how to match beer with food!

  6. Rolling Rock. This is the beer that’s always on special in the sales flyer for your local grocery store/pharmacy. I know because I used to edit images for sales flyers for a living. Guaranteed cheap every week.

  7. O’Douls. For masochists.

  8. Busch. There’s really nothing to say about Busch other than it exists and it’s not expensive. It’s like having the word “BLAH” in your mouth.

  9. Sam Adams. I’m including this for my boyfriend, who told me last weekend that he judges people who drink Sam Adams. (My mom drinks Sam Adams.) I haven’t had it, but he says he tried it once “and that was that.”

  10. Three Floyds Zombie Dust. Look, I like Three Floyds, but this beer tastes like ashes.

If you have any suggestions, leave ‘em in the comments (and I will make sure to avoid drinking them).


Tags: beer, Pabst, PBR, russia