Be My Boyfriend: Mr. Ballsy, AKA Thomas Cantley, Who Is Rolling A Ball Across The U.S. To Raise Money For Testicular Cancer

Dear Thomas, AKA Mr. Ballsy,

First, allow me to compliment you on your ball. It’s huge and smooth and you look really hot attached to it. But it’s not the size or the softness or the sex appeal of your ball that appeals to me — it’s what you’re doing with your ball that really matters. A cancer survivor yourself, you’ve embarked upon a cross-country trip with your rolling inflatable testicle in tow, spreading awareness about testicular health and cancer. By relying on the kindness of your fellow man to help you reach the end of your journey, you’re creating unique opportunities to share with them the goals of your trip in the first place.

“I want people to come and (say), ‘I’ll book a hotel room, I’ll take you out to lunch, I’ll fill up your gas tank’ or whatever, and I want those physical connections, I don’t just want people to donate to me, I want people to connect with me,” you explained to MTV. Well, Thomas, if I may be ballsy myself, I would like to connect with you.

I think your mission to spread awareness about testicular cancer is an important one, I think your methods are hilarious (I mean, thank you, seriously, for giving me the opportunity to compliment you on your ball), and I also find you to be quite handsome. Perhaps I could meet your other balls (or ball, or lack of balls, I don’t discriminate) sometime, maybe when you arrive at your destination, which just so happens to be New York City where I live. I make a killer pork tenderloin, I have a super comfy Casper mattress and testicles are on my top five list of favorite male body parts. So roll your ball on over to my place, k?

Yours truly,

Amelia McDonell-Parry