Well, another fabulous summer in Ibiza comes to a close. The A-listers were busy this summer: Zac Efron got cozy with Michelle Rodriguez, Bieber got punched, Paris Hilton ate dinner. I compiled a few simple rules to help you survive next time you find yourself partying on the bronzed coast. Do they call it that? Let’s call it that.
1. Don’t pose for the paparazzi, but don’t not pose for the paparazzi.
2. If invited to play volleyball, normals are “shirts” and celebs are “skins.”
3. “Beach hair” is a metaphor. Bring your products.
4. Don’t eat until flanked by a current lover, ex-lover, ex-lover’s new lover, and 12 models.
5. No club worth its Red Bull-vodkas has a cover less than 50 Euros.
6. Note the beach is divided into celebrity sections to allow for most amicable sunbathing: Child Star, Reality Star, Sex Tape Star, A-Lister, and Justin Bieber.
7. Try the fish! It’s always freshly flown in from New York or Los Angeles.
8. You may be invited to join Leo DiCaprio’s communal table. All first-time diners sit under the table, the better to taste his food for him.
9. Michelle Rodriguez will not teach an a.m. boot camp class. Ask again at your own risk.
10. Many of the people wearing red “lifeguard” bathing suits have played lifeguards on TV or in film. The real lifeguards wear all black.
11. Zac Efron will do your back if you ask nicely and the lotion is SPF 30 or higher.
12. Whoever started the rumor that Diddy’s yacht is haunted: he’ll find you.
13. The vermin under the pier have been rebranded as tiny dogs.
14. You are still responsible for closing your tab if the club caves in.
Leah Prinzivalli is a writer in Brooklyn. Follow her on Twitter! More from Leah:
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