7 People You Don’t Want To Be Stuck Behind In The Salad Line

Everyone knows lunchtime is supposed to be sacred. It’s the hour out of the day that you don’t need to field dumb questions from customers, cringe at a student’s nasal whine, or feel guilty about all that procrastinating you do on The Frisky. (Don’t feel guilty, we appreciate it.) It’s a time when you can text your boo, or bring up TMZ on your phone to find out what stupid thing a Kardashian sister has done now. And the ideal lunch is not at your crap-strewn desk or in a cramped break room, but chilling peacefully at a bench or picnic table, outdoors on a sunny day.

But you know what can cast a dark shadow — a storm cloud, even — over your ideal lunch? Spending 20 minutes waiting in line behind some asshole at the salad place … especially if you’re hangry. After the jump, the seven people you do not want to be stuck behind:

1. The person who has never ordered a salad before and asks 17 questions that should be fairly obvious to someone who just watched what everyone in front of them did. You pick a leafy green? And then some vegetables? And maybe some fruit and nuts? And they put it in the bowl? And you can get salad dressing on top? They might even chop it up? AMAZING.

2. The person who makes such a strange salad combination that you lose your appetite. Tuna, raisins, hearts of palm and Russian dressing? Thanks, my lunch is ruined.

3. The place-holding person whose three co-workers are about to cut you.  Come the fuck on, people. I haven’t been standing here for over 15 minutes for this shit.

4. The complete stranger who wants to chat. Chatting with strangers? It’s fine. Neighborly, even. But carrying on a protracted conversation with someone who just happens to love Cobb salad as much as you do? Excuse me while I put my headphones on.

5. The person who apparently did not read all the large signs that are all over the salad station. “Is shrimp extra?” “How about chicken?” “And what about the dressing, does that come with it?” Earth to clueless person: they post all this on the walls so you don’t have to ask.

6. The person who spends the whole time having a loud cell phone conversation. Why yes, I do want to hear all about why your mother does not like your new boyfriend. I’ve always wondered, do people who have loud cell phone conversations with others around — the coffee shop, the train, the office — not get annoyed when they hear other people do the exact same thing? Are they just impervious to the annoyance? If so, jealous.

7. The person who gets to the front of the line and goes “I would like … hmm … gee … I don’t know.”  The time to decide what might be tasty on a salad is not while 32 people are impatiently tapping their feet behind you.

What other annoying people have I forgotten? Let us know in the comments.  

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