Goobers, Pollacks & Rainbow Kisses: Let’s Break The Silence On This Gross Period Stuff

Do you know how many times I’ve heard the phrase “dick cheese”? So many times. Countless times. “Period goobers”? Not so much. It’s time to change this, y’all.

Dudes get to talk about their balls and penises in public all the friggin’ time. They’re so used to being able to talk openly about their dicks that many of them have come to believe that talking about their dicks is an acceptable way to flirt. And balls — blue balls, ball-busting, having things by the balls, having the balls to do stuff — fucking testicles are pervasive in our lives.

I propose changing this by going all-in and talking about our periods openly and graphically. We talk about penises so much that pretty much everyone has a working knowledge about penises and the things they do and go through. Let’s get real real about our vaginas and our lady times. We’ve made penises into sort of lovably comical objects, and it’s time we did the same for poon. I’ll get the ball rolling (SO TO SPEAK):

  • Period Goobers: Blood boogers that mass up on top of your pad or get stuck in your pubes and dry there. Or, like, dangle from your vag when you go pee, forcing you to mop it up out of the air.

  • Period Pollocks: So this is not a thing that I deal with too much because I don’t use tampons (noooooooooo thank you on that), but I’ve been informed that sometimes when you take a tampon out you unintentionally splash the wall or the sides of the toilet. I’m sure that this has become legit feminist artwork at some point in the last 50 years.

  • Bloody Swords: Y’know, dicks after period sex. I always feel like both laughing and apologizing when I see it. Can we also talk about the fact that periods make us super horny but it can be fucking agonizing to have sex while your acidic-ass blood is up there irritating your vaginal walls? And everyone knows the only efficient way to do it is in the shower. And by the way hear hear for all the significant others out there who aren’t sheepish about period blood. People (menfolk in particular) who get all twisted in knots over having to come into contact with period blood might as well live in the 1700s.

  • The Double-Towel: The only acceptable alternative to period shower sex — the folded-over towel you put under your hips in hopes that you don’t get blood all over your duvet. Unfortunately it also keeps you within a two-foot radius the whole time, which basically equals sort of uninvolved missionary, which is no fuckin’ fun.

  • Rainbow Kisses: This was a phrase of which I was unaware until two days ago: Kisses from your partner after they eat you out during your period. You know what, cringers? It’s not gross, it’s considerate.

  • Pad Diapers: If you’re like me and you both hate tampons and have ridiculously heavy periods, this is what you do on nights two and three of your period — wear gigantic panties and line them with three overlapping pads. Sure, you’re basically swimming in menses, but it’s not like your body’s gonna wake you up to let you know you’re about to ruin the bedding.

  • Double-Stuffed Tampons: Yup, this happens to people — you forget that you’ve got a tampon up there already and you can’t see the string, so shhhhooop! In goes another tampon. If you’ve done this, know that you’re not alone. I know at least three ladies who have done this as adults.

  • Tampons Lost In The Abyss: So, yeah, the result of a double-stuff is that you can just kind of have a tampon up there for a few weeks and eventually you’ll start having really gross-smelling brown discharge. You’ll think you have an STI, go to the doctor, and voilà! They’ll pull an old, rotting tampon out of your vag that’ll stink up the whole room. Instantly better.

How about you? What period stuff goes down on your moon cycles? Conversations about yeast infections, bladder infections, ingrown hairs and the like are all also welcome.

Rebecca Vipond Brink is a writer, photographer, and traveler. You can follow her at @rebeccavbrink or on her blog, Flare and Fade.