Yeah, I know that #notallmen are dum-dums about the way that female bodies and brains work, but I can produce evidence from the Internet and my inbox that enough are to merit some clarification. Seriously, some of the things humans with penises say about humans with vaginas are mystifying, especially when it appears that the Penis Humans don’t think that Vagina Humans are of the same species and therefore have an entirely different set of elements governing the way our bodies work.
I’m not saying this stuff to pick on guys. I’m just saying it to express my bafflement. If a vocal group of ladies were saying on a consistent basis, “Isn’t it so weird that guys have hair all over their bodies?” y’all would be pretty baffled by that sentiment too. Without further ado…
1. We have hair all over our bodies. Yeah, even on our faces! Crazy, right? I like to think that there’s a difference between the hair that grows on a woman’s face/all over her body and a mustache and beard, but several guys have made it clear to me that they don’t believe that to be true. All this makes me think is that the guys who claim that women with any hair on their face at all have “facial hair” in the way guys do just haven’t actually gotten close up to a real, living, breathing human woman.
2. Crotches that smell like perfume only exist in fiction. Yeah, vaginas can smell like fish. Or kind of rank biscuits, if we have yeast infections (which is normal, by the way). On a good day they smell like … I don’t know, salty, ripe fruit? It’s never exactly a great smell that you’d want wafting off of your body so that people 20 feet away can smell it (or maybe you do because that’s your thing! Respect). Balls stink too, know that.
3. Tampons are not sexually satisfying (to most of us, anyway). Yeah, that’s a real thing that has been said! So just in case we’re not clear: We want tampons in our cooters 24 hours a day for 5 days in a row about as much as we want a dick in our cooters that long — except it’s even better (read: worse) because tampons are made of absorbent materials and leave a string awkwardly dangling out of our bloody cooter lips.
4. We are only equally as apt to make anything “complicated” or “dramatic” as guys are. The entire anti-feminist conspiracy theory should be enough to convince anyone of this.
5. You are capable of having cellulite, too. It’s just easier to cover up because it tends to be on your stomach, not your legs. Oh, and it does make you a less worthy human being. J/K THAT’S ACTUALLY A DICK THING TO SAY.
6. Vaginas don’t get “stretched out” from sex. Things that contribute to extreme vaginal tightness: Anxiety, lack of arousal. Things that contribute to vaginal “looseness”: In some cases, childbirth after 30, or more commonly, sexual arousal. Also, all vaginas are built differently. Do you really want an anxiety-induced vice grip on your dick?
7. “Cunt” is like the LEAST effective insult to us. It’s like, uh, yeah, I’ve got one of those. So?
8. We are not a monolith. As in “things women do” or “things women say” or ‘women always blah blah” or “women should yadda yadda.” (OBVIOUSLY ditto men.) Dude, be specific. It’s not women, it’s just maybe a woman you know, or maybe a stereotype that you’re projecting onto all women whether or not it actually holds true.