Been There, Bra-ed That: The Trials Of Finding The Right Bra

I’m the kind of girl who wears a bra all the time.  I haven’t gone completely bra-less since 1993. My version of going bra-less is a bralet under a shelf bra, with my arms folded, propped upon a pillow as I watch Netflix Sunday mornings. Unless I bring my pair to the party, good luck finding my goodies through a maze of mixed support.

To the annoyance of many women with big or small boobs whose bras are like a blankie of comfort, designers who create tops or dresses that are strapless, backless, or with cutout details are malicious. What the hell kind of bra am I suppose to wear under that halter crop top? I don’t want to have to worry about my tits going left when I go right. God forbid there’s a strong, cool breeze. Anyone else feeling a tad nippley?

To all the women who feel comfortable going bra-less, keep doing what your doing. For the rest of us, let me save you some time and explain the reality of each of these popular solutions.

Pretty Little Pasties: Let’s not waste time, this isn’t a bra. It doesn’t even apply to the entire boob, just the nipples. Great for preventing a nip slip photo-op, but don’t kid yourself — you are 100 percent bra-less in these teeny tiny titty covers. If you’re lucky like me, peeling them off will reveal red marks the same shape as the little flowers, hearts, or whatever the fuck shape your pasties came in.

The Amazing Boobdini: Several brands offer this type of floating cup solution, and most of them fail for any boobs above a B cup. I have tried and hated 90 percent of them, but on an impulse I purchased the Freebra and have successfully worn it for eight hours. Normally, I would only wear this type of stick-on situation under a corset-like top, because it has built-in support.  But when I wore these cups with a loose, cut-out back shirt, I was pleased that my friends couldn’t tell what was happening underneath and actually thought I was wearing a bra.

The creepy flesh like cups stick to each boob offering more bosom than support. The good news is the two cups clip together giving you major cleavage if you want it. Just don’t jog home in it. Once you get over the exposed feeling, this bra is a great solution for sitting still and walking gently.

The Boob Tube Trap: Strapless bras be damned. It has taken me months to find a strapless bra without those god forsaken silicone bands. WTF? After a long, sweaty day of carrying around heavy boobs they can cause blisters! I kid you not.

If you are lucky enough to find one of the few strapless bras left without them, enjoy the feeling of your diaphragm being firmly clutched to death.  Breath shallow, for your boobs will stay in horizontal place for 20 minutes at a time before you have to hike this bra up. This is a great option for when your boobs have an important meeting. You will stand taller, because slouching is not an option when wires are digging into your sides.

Sir Straps-A-Lot: Wondering how to wear a bra with a low back? Never fear, there is a bra accessory for that. Attach an additional strap that will crisscross across your body to lower your back strap by 1-2 inches. Now that your back is somewhat exposed, no one will notice the rolls that extra strap across your belly is creating.

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? That said, although it’s seriously uncomfortable, it does work for low back muumuus.

Lady Gives No Fucks: After spending a lifetime looking for a solution to hide your bra straps, it’s time to join me in saying fuck it.  Admit it, you like wearing a traditional bra. All the above just doesn’t do it for you. If there is a dress you love and it doesn’t have the exact placement of your straps, buy it anyway. Treat yourself to a bra with a comfortable back strap worth showing off or colorful straps you can swap to accent your outfit.

Remember, no fashion trend will ever look as good as one you are comfortable in.