5 People We Should Actually Impeach
Republicans are talking about impeaching President Obama. YAWN. Can I just point out that we talked about impeaching Bush, too? Is this going to be a thing we do with every President? It’s 2014. In terms of eight-year terms, his is almost over. Politicians will start officially announcing their candidacies in February and we’ll be so distracted by that circus that we’ll all but forget about what the executive branch of our government is doing. The impeachment process takes so long that all the pro-impeachers really have to do is pipe up about it every few weeks and wait and he’ll be out of office in the same amount of time anyway – and they know that. It’s not a serious threat, it’s just a diversion.
If eighteen percent of Americans believe that we should be able to use the impeachment process to “register dissatisfaction with White House policies” (OH COME ON PEOPLE, BUCK UP), I can think of worthier candidates for impeachment than President Obama. For example, maybe we should impeach:
1. Everyone’s manager. Because everyone’s manager sucks and everyone knows it. I had a manager once who called me “dramatic” for reporting sexual harassment, and another who carelessly let $500 of cakes spoil and then “forgot” (“”””forgot””””) that he was the one who did it because he was over-caffeinated. I was definitely dissatisfied with these managers. I had another who forced me to attend a Pentecostal revival-type convention disguised as a chiropractic seminar as a requirement of my job, then in her car on the way home from St. Louis told me she’d been granted the gift of prophesy and that God was telling me through her that I was living in sin (which, of course, sounded a lot like a personal opinion to me). I know you’ve got your own horrible manager stories. Impeach!
2. Facebook. I’ve been about to quit Facebook maybe 10 times and now I’m stuck in it because I’ve been using it for professional networking. Ugh. I at least finally installed a web site blocker to keep me off of Facebook when I’m supposed to be writing. The fact that Facebook is bad for your mood and a massive time-suck that makes you addicted to dopamine has already been well-documented; plus, there are plenty of compelling reasons to be concerned not just about Facebook’s current privacy policies but also about their entire attitude toward privacy. Dissatisfied to the max. Impeach!
3. Your dog when it poops inside. It’s like, come on, man, you have ONE JOB, and that’s to go to the door when you have to poop. If you’re going to poop inside that means you can’t be a dog anymore; you have to be a human, and that means that you have to learn to poop on the toilet and after maybe three years you have to get a job and start helping to provide for the family. Impeach!
4. Whoever decided that every YouTube video needs to run an ad before you can play it. This is the absolute most infuriating thing when all you’re trying to do is watch ONE video that lasts all of seven seconds and you’re forced to watch a 30-second commercial first. Really, YouTube? Really? This is on top of the fact that YouTube is going to force music labels into complying with their subscription service. Impeach!
5. James Franco. So word around my alma mater, UIC, was that James Franco was rejected from its pretty rigorous creative writing MFA program — maybe because his writing is so-so, but probably because he was obviously doing it as a pet project and wasn’t going to be able to be around campus as much as the other students were and was going to have to be held to a separate standard. I don’t know. I’m on the side of his writing being masturbatory and totally eye-roll-worthy. In fact, in general, James Franco seems to be a pretty self-serious narcissist. He said he was “embarrassed” by the whole sexting-with-a-17-year-old thing — I’m with you, man. You are pretty embarrassing. At this point, I’d take Shia LeBeouf’s antics over another Franco story. It’s that bad. Impeach!