In the lifecycle of dating, there’s a black hole smack dab in the middle of “I’m talking to someone” and “He’s my boyfriend,” that I like to call Exclusivity Limbo. I’ve been in that spot before and I’ve detailed my time there, what with the constant questioning, confusion and uncertainty of where things stand. But even though a relationship status may remain undefined, the physical and sexual cravings just continue to escalate. So, in a predicament that could be much worse, I find myself wondering one thing: to bang or not to bang?
Things are progressing with Scar Twin, but I made a conscious decision to hold off on sleeping with him until it becomes evident that we both want to be in a relationship together. I don’t want to be just another notch on his bedpost, and at this point, I can honestly say I don’t think he’s a Hit It And Quit It kind of guy. We’ve seen each other a bunch of times, several times without doing anything really physical, and he’s given me no indication that he’s just looking for ass. The first time the opportunity to have sex popped up, I told him I wanted to wait, and he respected my decision. Since then, he’s remained true to his word. Then, a few days ago when I saw him, the opportunity came up again and I felt the need to tell him why I’ve been holding off.
“Before we sleep together, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page,” I explained. “I’ve, at times, jumped into things too quickly and just don’t want to regret anything.”
“Don’t feel like you need to explain,” Scar Twin replied. “As long as you know what you want, that’s fine. I’d rather you be certain than have regrets.”
It could have ended there, and then, for some stupid reason, I kept talking.
“I just don’t want you to feel like I don’t want to sleep with you,” I admitted. “I really, really want to. I guess I just wanted to make sure that my head was in the right place and that neither of us are still interested in seeing other people. Sooo … yeah.”
“I’m not seeing anybody else,” he said. “Are you?” I replied no. “Are you sure?” he asked, warily. I confirmed.
“Here’s the way I see it,” he said. “When I meet someone who I like, I want to date that person and see where things go. I don’t see the point in adding more people into the mix when you haven’t even let one thing play out yet.”
This makes total sense to me, and I’ve always been the same way. Once I find someone I enjoy spending time with, I don’t really have much of an interest in seeing other people. (See: The Non-Introduction to Marky Mark.) Scar Twin’s explanation also justifies why he decided to take his OKCupid profile down without telling me. To me, removing his profile means he wants to focus on where things go between us. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ready to get down on one knee and pop the question, and for that, I’m thankful. I don’t see that as a red flag. I see it as someone who is genuinely interested in dating another person. What’s so wrong with that?
But now that I know where we stand (or at least where he says we stand and where I think we stand), I find myself much more at ease and really wanting to sleep with Scar Twin. No, scratch that. I want to screw his brains out. Because it’s been over a month that we’ve been seeing each other without having sex, I almost feel like everything else we do has this undertone of sexual tension. Our text messages are more flirty, our conversations have become more intimate, and our connection—both physically and emotionally— keeps getting stronger. So am I safe to jump in the sack with him yet? There’s no telling if it will be emotional, sweet lovemaking or rough, animalistic fucking, but I WANT TO FIND OUT. (Also, based on our previous encounters, I’m gonna go with the animalistic fucking thing.) I completely recognize the fact that my holding off on sleeping with him isn’t going to prevent him from thinking I’m “easy” or from keeping me around because I’m willing to do certain sexual things anyway. But my hope is that by the time I’m ready to do the deed, I’m 100 percent sure that I can emotionally handle it, whether it changes things for the good or the bad. It’s more for my own, personal validation that I’m ready to invest in someone who feels the same way. So now, it’s just a matter of time before I say “fuck it,” and then … well, fuck it.