Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is a game in which a normal human being dresses themselves in a variety of hilariously tarted up clothes, changes their hair a lot and pursues fame with the same relentless zeal of The Frisky staff at a J. Crew sample sale. If you’ve been living under a rock, the game is simple. You start as an E-list celebrity, and then work your way up to the top via pointless exercises meant to enhance your personal #brand. Within the world of Kim Kardashian’s Hollywood, there is a work/life balance, just like in real life. To achieve fame, you not only hustle for your career. Dating is a powerful way to level up, earn more money, get more fans and generally achieve in life.
The game is honestly kind of great. It’s the best kind of mindless entertainment, less mentally challenging than say, Candy Crush, but vastly more entertaining. The best part is that the game’s end goal is not necessarily to settle down and boo up. You’re encouraged to climb the ladder of success as it relates to your career, doing whatever it takes along the way to make it to the top. It’s hardly an accurate representation of anyone’s real life — though it certainly does reflect certain bitter life truths — but the most realistic part of the game is the dating. Throughout the game, you encounter a variety of men who chat you up with a shitty line and an empty compliment, then weasel their way into your contacts. The dudes are weird, with esoteric occupations that, if you squint a little, mirror the kind of variety you’d find in real life. I have been on a date with a naturopathic physician, an agrologist, and a professional extra.
You must be wondering if there are any real life nuggets of wisdom to be gleaned from this cockeyed representation of human life. The answer, my friends, is yes. Here are some of the valuable dating takeaways I’ve learned from “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.”
1. You’re going to meet a lot of assholes. Much like real life, the men of the Kim K game are jerks. Like, almost all of them are jerks. Really, there isn’t a nice one in the bunch. Have you ever been on a date where you’ve put a lot of effort into what you’re wearing, agonized for a half hour over lipstick choices, spent time attempting to perfect an effortless crown braid, only to discover that the dude you’re sitting across the table from couldn’t give a shit? That’s what dating in this game is like. Change your outfit as much as you want, slip into the slinky black sheer number intend of the comfortable shirtdress and flats, wear your hair in a ponytail instead of the updo that took you three hours — if the guy you’re meeting says something rude about whatever you have decided to put on your body, then he’s a dick, plain and simple.
2. There’s always pressure from somebody about what you’re doing with your love life. You have some options in the game. You can play the field, going on dates with as many — or as few– people as you see fit. The problem is, if you just go on one date with every single person in your phone book once, they will all call you in rapid succession, demanding attention. You have two choices: 1) Use some of your precious energy — energy that you could be using on photo shoots on the beach in Punta Mita – to woo them back or 2) break up with them on the spot. The easiest answer is to break up with them on the spot, but beware of your ringing phone — if it’s your well-intentioned publicist Maria, she’ll call you into her office and tell you that you need to date more.
3. Dating is A LOT of work. Say you finally decide to go on a date with one of the jerks in the game. Great! Your publicist will get off your back, you’ll level up faster, everything in life will be fine and dandy. Much like life, dating in this game is a lot of work, and it’s expensive. Flirting takes eight energy bolts, while kissing only takes five. Ordering a drink will cost you $50. Perusing the specials board or ordering dessert saps you of six energy bolts and more money. Much like real life, the effort expended going on dates is sometimes a waste. The energy you’re using to charm Jordan Wood, the dietitian clad in a slim-fitting trench coat and four chains, would be put to much better use doing, well, anything else.
4. If you don’t want to date, you don’t have to, but be prepared to hear about it from anyone with an opinion. Once again, dating is not required. You don’t have to date anyone, but it is heavily, heavily suggested. I’ve been playing this game to win whatever nebulous prize beckons on the horizon, so I’ve gone on my fair share of dates with weirdos. It’s not the only way — you can do fine without going on the dates, but like I said, every single person will have an opinion about it.
5. Most of the people you meet are not going to work out, but it’s quantity, not quality. Dating is sometimes like wandering Costco when you’re super-hungry, and all the sample ladies have just re-upped their stock. You are compelled — and encouraged — to try everybody’s wares, and with good reason. How else are you supposed to know what you like? Dating, at the end of the day, is a numbers game. If you play the Kim K game a certain way, you can maintain relationships with as many or as few people as you want, breaking as many hearts as you see fit along the way, until you find something that fits your needs. In life, you have to go on an awful lot of dates with an awful lot of weirdos until something sticks. You won’t know unless you give it a shot.