Only a few years ago, I was not yet 21 and couldn’t go to a club. Since I’m the kind of girl who loves to dance and socialize, I couldn’t wait until I was finally old enough to start partying. But when my time came, clubs weren’t how I expected them to be at all: dull scenes, crap music, and straight-up depressing anti-social patrons that flooded the nightclub scene.
After taking a one-year club hiatus, earlier this summer I ventured to a well-known spot in New York City with a couple of friends … only to find shit even worse than when I promised myself to avoid clubs like the damn plague a year before. Now I think I have eight good reasons now to just avoid nightclubs entirely:
1. Ridiculous fashion double standards. I showed up to the entrance with my friend and the promoter who we were guests of immediately said they would not let me into the club wearing Converse. When I pointed out that ALL of the guys were wearing sneakers and tee-shirts, he responded “but you are a girl — they won’t let you in with those.” I looked around and noticed the girls were all indeed wearing heels and very mini dresses. At that point, I put on some shoes I brought along in my bag just in case … and I put my damn converse back on when I got inside.
2. The music can make you narcoleptic. Upon entry to the club, the DJ played a mix of 80′s music and Bob Marley — and I nodded off twice. Eventually, things really started to heat up when the DJ dropped the “It’s Getting Hot In Here” Nelly track and everyone started to sing along. You know people were desperate at this point.
3. Sitting in a booth is a trap! Remember that promoter idiot from earlier in the night? Well, as his guest, I was welcomed to sit and “pop bottles” with “his crew” at a table (called a booth). Little did I know, there is no escaping the booth. No one actually gets up to leave the booth at any point to do anything.
4. You can send your account into overdraft buying one round of drinks. In the event that you do not know a promoter who can set you up with free drinks in a booth trap, a single drink costs between $12 to $15 on any given night. If you are broke like me, one round of drinks could easily result in a $35 dollar overdraft fee. (Another reason to be confined to a booth).
5. The Clubman. In the days of the caveman, popular culture tells us that when a man wanted to mate with a woman he would scream, “OOOOGA OOOOOGA” unintelligibly, hit her over the head with a wooden club, then drag her back to his cave. Well, men have evolved! Today, though the clubman still screams or mumbles poorly formed phrases like “my place later?” And instead of hitting clubwoman in the head, he offers her numerous drinks until she is close enough to unconscious, then attempts to get her back to his clubman cave. I understand this is a slight evolution, but I’ll pass.
6. Club pimping is real and depressing. Beside me in an adjoining booth of boredom sat a group of men (supposedly basketball players). They were similarly idle until, for their entertainment, young girls wearing lingerie were ushered over to sit on their laps by club management! And I mean literally sit, because, remember, dancing is illegal.
7. Trash-y women. When I finally left the club, there was a woman literally laid out in a pile of trash out front with her legs spread wide open while wearing one of those mini-dresses. She was obviously completely wasted. Her girl friends struggled to help her to her feet, each giggling as they individually took a tumble into the trash themselves, because they could not support her dead weight. Everyone could see during this spectacle that least two of these women were not wearing panties.
8. No amount of alcohol could make the night fun. If even booze can’t help a situation, there is no hope.
[Image of tequila body shots via Shutterstock]