The SexFit Is Basically A Pedometer That Will Post Your Dude’s Thrusting Stats To Facebook

You guys know me, I’m all for new advancements in sexual technology. Sex toys? I’ve tried ‘em. Cannabis lube? I’ve used up every drop! But a cock ring that monitors a dude’s thrusts per minute and calories burned, and then posts that info to social media? NOPE. First of all, goddammit, can’t we all just enjoy one form of physical activity without obsessing over its weight loss potential? If you’re banging me, the last thing you should be thinking about is whether you’ve jackhammered away the bacon, egg and cheese you had for breakfast.

Secondly, who in their right mind would ever post those stats to Facebook, for everyone to see? “Tom completed 157 thrusts in 26 minutes, burning 122 calories,” Tom’s mother, coworkers, ex-girlfriend and various friends would not be delighted to read. Also, the SexFit doesn’t note that Tom did not make his partner come because he was too busy pounding that quarter pounder off to attend to her orgasm, and let’s face it, that’s the only stat that actually matters. SexFit? SEX FAIL. [Death & Taxes]