For those of you unfamiliar with CourseHorse, either you don’t live in New York or LA, or you’re missing out on life. CourseHorse offers tons of classes, workshops and certificate programs that help us broaden our horizons in areas like cooking, gardening, language arts and more…with an emphasis on the ‘more’ part. If you never thought you’d be given the opportunity to read your pet iguana’s mind or learn how to give a proper blowjob to a vegetable, today we prove you wrong. Check out some of the most absurdly awesome CourseHorse workshops we would totally take.
The Course: “Art On Live Canvas” Workshop For Couples
Why We Would Take It: The point of the class is to paint on someone else’s body, and then take your turn being painted on as “the canvas.” If you don’t have a partner, they will pair you up with a random person, which is kind of hilarious. You can totally fuck with someone by writing “Property of [your name]” or by doing what everyone dreams of doing to a spouse: painting a large penis on their forehead. It’s ART.
The Course: Pop-Up Vegetable Garden
Why We Would Take It: You’re literally learning how to make a variety of 3D vegetables out of paper. Instead of bringing real potatoes to Thanksgiving, why not show up with a bowl of construction paper potatoes and throw everyone off? Fun? I THINK SO.
The Course: Catlady Craft Night
Why We Would Take It: This workshop teaches you how to create a craft with a cat design, because apparently when you grow old alone, you will need a hobby. The kicker is that no cats are allowed in the class. I’m sorry, but if you’re THAT serious about your cat that you’re attending this class in the first place, your feline should be invited.
The Course: The Stripper Walk
Why We Would Take It: Exactly as it sounds, this workshop teaches you how to walk like a stripper … of all things. You’re told to bring heels with you, but no dollar bills, which leads me to believe that this class is bogus, because we all know that legit strippers walk around with a wad of dollars in their g-string. I would take it anyway just to say I have stripper credentials.
The Course: The Theta Approach To Animal Communication (Level 1)
Why We Would Take It: For only $399, you can learn how to engage in soul-to-soul contact with your animal by tapping into their mental state, all thanks to the generation of theta brain waves. In other words, when your dog barks, you will know that it has to take a poop…but on a much deeper level.
The Course: LAVA Handstands For Adults
Why We Would Take It: According to the workshop description, you will learn how to “get in a handstand and be in a handstand,” so you can “turn your world upside down,” because there are so many opportunities to just stop what you’re doing and go feet-up. I can only hope they also offer a “Getting Out Of LAVA Headstands For Adults” course, or I’m not taking this.
The Course: High Heels For The Flats Girl
Why We Would Take It: To avoid looking like a wobbly baby deer learning to walk for the first time every time I attend a social function.
The Course: Backyard Chickens
Why We Would Take It: Because the only cooler thing than having a pool in my backyard is having a flock of chickens in my backyard. A bonus is that the class description says to “Please Bring Lunch,” which means I won’t be short any chickens in my flock, if you know what I’m sayin’.
The Course: Poi And Fans
Why We Would Take It: In Poi, you learn the performance art of swinging around weights and then waving fans around in the same manner, which is basically my every day at the gym, so why not?
The Course: Full Moon Circles
Why We Would Take It: This self-improvement class allows you to channel energy from the moon in hopes of experiencing an “inner awakening” by sitting in a circle and staring at the moon. To me, this seems like the perfect thing to do if you can’t get yourself off before falling asleep, because you’ll probably be staring at the moon anyway.
The Course: Suck N’ Swallow, The Blow Job Class
Why We Would Take It: It says: “Learn how to combat common obstacles to the perfect BJ like manly odors, hairy undercarriages, to swallow or not, and a sensitive gag reflex.” And then it tells you to bring a pre-washed cucumber. I’M IN.
The Course: Slacklines Series
Why We Would Take It: You will improve balance, strength and concentration by learning how to kneel, sit, stand and go upside down on a slackline (like a clothes line). I love watching YouTube videos of people falling down, so this class will be right up my alley.
The Course: Babywearing For Newborns
Why We Would Take It: Fuck your carriage. Now you can learn how to WEAR your NEWBORN while you’re “getting things done.” Now you can wash your car, play badminton and enjoy a Pearl Jam concert all while wearing your child like a fashionable accessory.