94 Photos You Will Come Across As A Straight Girl On Tinder

Some Tinder guys are great, some are awful, and most we’ll never know about. (Whether that’s a good or bad thing is a question for the ages.) But pretty much every straight dude photo on Tinder — minus the ONE guy I saw with three pics of his own wedding — will fall into one of the following 94 categories. If you stay on Tinder long enough, you will definitely see all of them:

  1. Guy who is tallest in every photo
  2. Guy who is shortest in every photo
  3. Guy who has removed all context clues so you cannot tell anything about his height
  4. Guy who is not actually in any of his photos
  5. Guy who takes a lot of photos with his better-looking best friend
  6. Weightlifting selfie
  7. Urinal selfie
  8. Nondescript, vaguely-shitty apartment selfie
  9. Guy with domestic animal
  10. Guy covering bald head with domestic animal
  11. Bald guy cutting off top of head in all photos. (What a trick! Wowowow!)
  12. Bald guy in series of hats
  13. Guy who would be kinda cute if you could look past his fedora collection, which you can’t.
  14. Guy kissing dolphin
  15. Guy with sedated tiger
  16. Guy with guitar
  17. Guy with drums
  18. Guy with bass
  19. Guy spinning records
  20. Very serious guy at soundboard, ostensibly producing a record
  21. Guy with no instrument but you can tell he is going to talk about music exhaustively because of his t-shirt and the oppressively trendy way he wears his mustache
  22. Guy with beard
  23. Beard with guy
  24. Guy with red beard. (This writer believes red beards is its own trend. She is a fan.)
  25. Guy with disgusting mustache
  26. Guy with less disgusting mustache but it is still pretty gross
  27. Guy on skis
  28. Guy who looks like a giant baby
  29. Guy who went bananas with Instagram filters
  30. Guy on rooftop
  31. Guy dancing at party
  32. Guy giving the finger
  33. Guy who is smoking defiantly
  34. Guy obscured by his own cigar smoke
  35. Guy who is not a guy, really, but a service trying to cell u 420.
  36. Guy with two hot girls who are clearly paid to be there
  37. Hot guy with arm around hot girl that makes you wonder why you are looking at a photograph of someone else’s perfect life when you are lonely on a Tuesday and your air conditioner isn’t working and everyone else is getting smarter and better and having fun and you’re just laying there, rotting alive.
  38. Guy on mountain
  39. Guy in boat
  40. Guy who is skydiving
  41. Guy at Great Wall of China
  42. Guy with food
  43. Guy with beer
  44. Guy pointing gun at camera
  45. Guy with microphone
  46. Guy doing wild gesture on stage
  47. Guy giving lecture, probably about his startup
  48. Guy with shiny tie
  49. Guy with professional headshot for his real estate job
  50. Guy with pretentious, arty headshot
  51. Guy with pretentious, arty mid-range shot of him and his camera
  52. Guy with pretentious, arty full length shot. He is usually jumping.
  53. Guy who only posts pretentious, arty shots of lithe women because, as his profile says, he is a photographer.
  54. Guy who has practiced his “sexy face” way too much
  55. Guy who believes real men don’t smile
  56. Guy at boring-looking extended family BBQ
  57. Guy who is clearly lying about his age
  58. Guy and his mom
  59. Guy and his sister’s kids
  60. Guy and his kids
  61. White guy with African kids
  62. Shirtless guy in bed
  63. Shirtless guy upright
  64. Guy at wedding
  65. Guy at another wedding
  66. You do not want to date this guy because you’ll always be going to weddings
  67. Guy in polo
  68. Guy in Wall Street uniform
  69. Guy standing next to something expensive
  70. Guy with celebrity
  71. Guy in his marathon number
  72. Guy who is raising his fists to the sky like a champion
  73. Guy with really close-together eyes
  74. Guy pointing to something
  75. Guy standing under sign
  76. Guy at hipster restaurant at brunch time
  77. Ex-boyfriend
  78. Best friend’s exboyfriend uh oh should you tell her?
  80. Guy with only blurry photos
  81. Guy who is barely in the picture
  82. Guy who makes one photo into a series of three or four by zooming in and out.
  83. Guy who is greasy in the face
  84. Guy with his mouth closed in every picture except the last one, which reveals he is missing a very important tooth!
  85. Guy who only takes pictures from below
  86. Guy with one eyebrow raised
  87. Guy who is thinking about something or pretending to think about something
  88. Guy who reminds you of your female gym coach from grade school
  89. Guy with surfboard
  90. Passport photo
  91. Guy’s hand holding a photo of himself
  92. Guy with cute girl who looks friendly and down-to-earth so her presence doesn’t bother you
  93. Guy who knows he’s not supposed to post photos of other girls so he cuts her out but you can see a little bit of her hair, which makes you wonder about her so much that you forget about him completely and do you think SHE went to grad school, and should you have? Is it too late for you? Could you continue to wear this much liquid eyeliner if you had an advanced degree? What would SHE think about this? Now you have missed your bus stop, genius.
  94. A penis.

[Image of a woman on her cell phone via Shutterstock]