As you all know, the Supreme Court of what is apparently a democratic republic founded on the principle of individual liberty and respect for the diversity of humanity decided this week that women aren’t included in that vision because $$$ > women OBVIOUSLY. Thanks, capitalism!
I’ve noticed that a lot of you guys are upset about it. That’s unfortunate! I, on the other hand, have done everything I can to stem my anger, because having to truly acknowledge the fact that we’re regressing toward politics pre-1912 on top of living with daily catcalling, normalized sexual harassment, misogynist murder sprees, and an arts culture that’s exclusive and derisive to women might actually make me have an aneurysm. Instead, I’ve developed a list of best practices going forward for dealing with with misogyny, sexism, and the systematic oppression of women. Onward!
1. Deny, deny, deny. You know how the Republicans keep saying that there is no war on women even though there is clearly a war on women? Or how people keep saying that you shouldn’t dress scantily if you don’t want to get raped even though most of the time not only now, but throughout history, when women have been raped they weren’t dressed scantily? Or how giant manufacturers keep saying that global warming doesn’t exist despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary? Obviously this tactic of just pretending that a problem doesn’t exist is working for these people. We should adopt it! There is no sexism! Ladies, let’s just keep doing us, and if anyone says anything we don’t like about it we can…
2. Shout louder. This is another way that misogynists work that we have yet to embrace. We’re obviously past the point where civil, reasoned, rational discussion that’s founded on data and consensus is going to get us anywhere. Do like the pundits and just keep talking while misogynists are talking, and keep shouting louder and louder and louder. Even if no one can understand what you’re saying, no one will be able to understand what they’re saying, either. At this point, I’d call that a win!
3. Just say “nope” and leave it at that. I mean, that’s basically what the Supreme Court did, right? For all the pontificating they did in the decision, it basically comes down to this:
WOMEN: Can we have the same, across-the-board quality access to healthcare that men have?
WOMEN: Why not?
WOMEN: That didn’t answer the question.
WOMEN: Do you even give a rat’s ass about us?
GENIUS. No conversation, no negotiation, no pesky having to acknowledge all human beings as whole and equal and entitled to the same rights, just one big “nope.” Here’s a few examples of how this can work for us.
CATCALLER: Damn, nice ass!
YOU: NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE.
BOSS: Hey, I know it’s not your job, sweetheart, but could you go make me some coffee and clean up the conference room after the meeting this afternoon? Thaaaaanks.
BOSS: You’re fired.
YOU: Nope. *Walks to HR*
SOCIAL MEDIA MISOGYNIST: Feminists are-
SOCIAL MEDIA MISOGYNIST: You won’t even-
SOCIAL MEDIA MISOGYNIST: That’s not-
4. Joke about it mercilessly and publicly. Have you ever read Voltaire? You should read Voltaire. He’s the grandfather of political satire. Here’s a good quote: “I have only ever made one prayer to God, a very short one: ‘O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it.” Ladies, our enemies are nothing if not ridiculous. You know that, and you probably know it because you and your lady and lady-friendly friends talk about it all the time. That’s only a third of the battle! The first of the other thirds is to make it funny — pointing out hypocrisy isn’t funny, but portraying the ridiculous as ridiculous is (ridiculous is always funny, ask Peter Sellers) — and the second is to just do it all the time, on Facebook, on Twitter, in polite company, in print, on TV, and if people take offense just consult article 3.
Go forth and conquer your anger! At this point, what the hell else are we supposed to do?