I’ve missed my calling, and some bitch has beat me to it.
Recently, an entrepreneurial New York woman with extensive experience as a bridesmaid stepped up her game by posting a Craigslist ad offering her services as a “Professional Bridesmaid.” Why I didn’t think of this first will haunt me for the rest of my days, because I could be making BANK right now (as well as collecting a large assortment of chiffon dresses). I’ve been around the bridesmaid block a time or two, I know all about the emotional lifecycle of said title and feel I have what it takes to battle this woman.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: why would anyone actually hire a stranger to serve as a part of their wedding party? According to the ad, here are three specific cases in which you could benefit from the services of a “professional bridesmaid”:
- You don’t have any other girlfriends except your third cousin, twice removed, who is often found sticking her tongue down an empty bottle of red wine.
- Your fiancé has an extra groomsmen and you’re looking to even things out so your pictures don’t look funny and there’s not one single guy walking down the aisle by himself
- You need someone to take control and make sure bridesmaid #4 buys her dress on time and doesn’t show up three hours late the day of the wedding or paint her nails lime green.
Okay, this makes total sense to me. In fact, I’m going to be a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding in just a few weeks, and not only does she have an uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, but her Maid Of Honor is also pregnant and won’t likely make it to the wedding because she will be too busy bringing a new life into the world that week. Not that my friend would have hired a stranger to fulfill bridesmaid duties (because she actually has friends of her own), but she could have hired this person if she really needed to.
According to her ad, the 26-year-old professional bridesmaid has many skills she’s “exceptionally good at” that prove her worth as a member of your closest tribe of gal pals, including but not limited to:
- Holding up the 18 layers of your dress so that you can pee with ease on your wedding day
- Catching the bouquet and then following that moment up with my best Miss America-like “Omg, I can’t believe this” speech
- Doing the electric and the cha-cha slide
- Responding in a timely manner to pre-wedding email chains created by other bridesmaids and the Maid of Honor
This is genius, I tell you. This chick is about to have some bridesmaid competition, because I am the most glorious in all of the land, AND I know how to bustle wedding gowns like it’s my job. On top of that, I’m also willing to hook up with the groom’s single brother, tell the people in inappropriate attire to GTFO and hold all the bride’s stuff. I WIN.