What Goes Through My Head When Men Make Kissy Noises At Me On the Street

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What Goes Through My Head When Men Make Kissy Noises At Me On the Street

1. What is that noise? Also, can I note that I hate mouth sounds? Chewing, sucking, slobbering, puckering, just everything. I’m not going to get clinical and call it misophonia, but I have to make a conscious effort to not get enraged when I hear mouth sounds. Therefore, hoping for the best…

2. Is there an elderly person nearby who doesn’t have their dentures in? I cannot get enraged at elderly people who are just minding their own business. Are there toothless elderly people around? No? OK…

3. Is someone sucking food out of their teeth? I mean, rude if so, but I can’t help other people’s bad habits. Maybe if I had a toothpick I could offer them. But no, no one’s sucking food out of their teeth. Maybe…

4. Is someone making noises at their adorable dog? God, I hope it’s this! Adorable dogs cancel out horrible noises! I totally want to see an adorable dog! Aww, there’s no adorable dog…

5. Oh, it’s that grown-ass rando. OK, I’ve identified the source of the sound. It’s that grown, adult man who is looking straight at me and making kissy gestures in my direction. To give him the benefit of the doubt…

6. Does he maybe have some sort of communicative or developmental disability? If so, I will go on with my day and just forget about it, no biggie.

7. No, he does not. He is alert, aware of his surroundings, making eye contact, and attempting to communicate with me, a stranger.

8. He is trying to say that he wants to fuck me or something. And he’s chosen THE WEIRDEST possible way to do it. What is this, some kind of fucked-up mating call? How does this even effectively communicate sexual desire? What does a kissy noise mean in his brain?

9. *Makes poo face* Thiiiiiiiis is uncomfortable for me. And also, this is completely juvenile and gross.

10. What does he think he’s accomplishing by making noises at me? Like, what does he imagine the best possible reaction will be? What is the ideal scenario in his head? Does he think he’s going to make kissy noises at me and then I’m just gonna be like “Hey there, fella, why don’t you get off of that bike and come up to my place and you can continue to make weird noises at me while we fuck because those kissy noises are just so damn seductive”? Does he consider that a reasonable expectation? Is that even what he’s trying to do?

11. How could this ever be construed as a compliment? I mean, what compliment would it be? What is he even trying to say? God, I am so confused by men sometimes. What is the point, rando?!  WHAT IS THE POINT.

12. Jesus, this makes the catcalling seem adult; at least catcallers use their goddamn words. For real, the guys who call me “good-lookin’” or “beautiful” or tell me to smile at the El stops seem like gentlemen in comparison to this. I can wrap my head around them thinking that they’re just trying to say something nice, even if it is intrusive and unwanted. This, though – he’s not a child and I’m not an animal so he shouldn’t be making kissy noises and I shouldn’t be having kissy noises directed at me. What the hell is wrong with him?

13. *Flips the bird* Welp, whatever he wanted, he has completely failed at getting it. If he’s going to choose not to use his words, I won’t either.

Rebecca Vipond Brink is a writer, photographer, and traveler.  You can follow her at @rebeccavbrink or on her blog, Flare and Fade.

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