Like that troublesome ex-boyfriend that you sleep with once a year, just in the summer when it’s steamy out and you’re peak tan, “True Blood” is back for its final season, and things sure look interesting! The series has had its peaks and valleys, but as of late has grown into an unwieldy beast, plucking storylines out of thin air and weaving them together with dental floss, spit and gumption. This season looks to make a return to its roots, with a good, old-fashioned showdown between good and evil.
If you can’t remember what happened in season six, here’s a brief recap: Terry died. Luna died. The terrible governor of Louisiana died, but not before he made an underground vampire concentration camp where he was performing medical tests and torture on vampires. The world’s supply of TruBlood has been infected with Hepatitis V, a horrible disease that causes vampires to die a slow, melty, gooey death. Sookie met Warlow , the bad vampire/faerie that killed her family, fell in love with him, almost married him, and then realized that he was shitty after all, so Jason killed him. Bill became a new super-vampire, drinking the essence of Lilith, and actually isn’t that bad anymore. And the last time we saw Eric, he was nude and on fire on a glacier in Sweden. Check out our hopes and dreams for the citizens of Bon Temps, after the jump, and don’t forget to watch the season premiere tonight on HBO!
Where We Left Him: No longer the floppy milquetoast pining after Sook-eh, after emerging from a puddle of ooze and goo, Bill’s got new powers and a new agenda as vampire messiah and protector of all vamps from the scourge of Hep V and general persecution.
What We Want To See: Bill is in it to win, so I want to see him make a concerted effort to unite all the supernaturals and beat the crap out of these Hep V positive feral vampires that are circling.
Where We Left Her: Having dodged the bullet that was marrying the slightly unstable but definitely attractive Warlow, Sookie and Alcide appear to be booed up and ready to relax, but something tells me Bon Temps won’t let their special fairy princess rest easy.
What We Want To See: Sookie should close out the show as an independent woman. Every time she’s with a dude, she’s not nearly as dynamic. Fight the power, girl, but do it alone.
Where We Left Him: Is he alive? Is he dead? He’s definitely on fire on top of a glacier, in the nude, so fingers crossed that there’s some miracle that saves his ass.
What We Want To See: The amount of times this show has defied logic is uncountable at this point, so let’s find a way to put the fire that is Aleksander Skaarsgard’s body out. Make sure he’s alive! And then get his ass back to Bon Temps so he can handle some shit, the way he used to. He can stay naked though.
Where We Left Her: Pam spent most of the season moping over her maker and then trapped in the horrible vampire internment camp seducing her psychiatrist, and then daywalking, and ugh. She hasn’t had time to be the Pam we know and love.
What We Want To See: Pam senses Eric’ pain and is able to locate him atop the snow covered mountains, but can’t get to him. She calls out to him from a cave and begs him to come to her. She manages to nurse him back to health and they fly back to save their progenies.
Where We Left Her: Finally reconciling with Lettie Mae, and feeding off her mom, but trust me — it’s better than it sounds.
What We Want To See: Vampire Tara and her mom seem like they are on a good path, and despite what everyone else has to say, I don’t mind Tara, but she’s got a lot of processing to do. She and her mother should get the hell out of dodge and work on their shit, together.
Jason & Violet
Where We Left Them: Almost-but-not-quite consummating their relationship via tons and tons of oral sex.
What We Want To See: After their one thousandth sex scene, Violet finally decides it’s time. We are treated to a five minute long sex scene, and Jason, knowing full well that his usefulness in Bon Temps is up, retreats with Violet to live out their lives in peace, quiet, and boning.
Where We Left Him: Shacking up with Sookie, and facing off with Bill in the parking lot of the newly-christened Bellefleur’s Bar and Grill.
What We Want to See: I actually don’t care what Alcide does, because I find him tiresome, but as long as he is shirtless and/or pantsless for the majority of the season, I’m cool.
Where We Left Him: Not doing much, actually. Just hanging around in the background, really.
What We Want To See: Lafayette meets a beautiful and handsome man who is an intoxicating combination of Michael B. Jordan and hot convict Jeremy Meeks. This man empowers Lafayette to realize that he is actually the smartest out of all those fools, and he joins forces to get the Hep V vamps out of Bon Temps for good. Later, he retires to Atlanta.
Where We Left Her: Jessica was trying to do her part to make amends for all the faerie draining that went on, in particular to Andy and his now-teenage faerie daughters.
What We Want To See: Less mopey and moral conflicted please! Can Pam please take Jessica under her wing and the two of them can be the bad ass lady vamps they were always meant to be? Bill and Eric shouldn’t get to have all the fun.
Where We Left Him: Mayor Merlotte is making an impassioned plea for unity in the times of great civic unrest in Bon Temps and the world beyond.
What We Want To See: Nicole better have his adorable and tricky shifter babies.
Andy & Adilyn
Where We Left Him: Raising one out of the four quick-aging half faerie daughters, Adilyn, that his one night stand left him with.
What We Want To See: Adilyn turns 25 overnight, continues to raise hell, but also starts dating a vampire.
Where We Left Her: After burying Terry (RIP), she bought Merlotte’s from Sam, and renamed it in honor of her husband.
What We Want To See: Girl, take that insurance money and build an armageddon/doomsday prepper camp deep in the bayou for all your supernatural friends, because some shit is about to go down.