For some reason, ABC has decided that one two-hour episode a week just isn’t enough “Bachelorette.” This week, there are two two-hour episodes of my favorite reality TV dating show, one last night and then another tonight. Yay, four hours of “The Bachelorette” — how did I get so lucky? The good news is, last night’s episode was significantly less depressing than last week’s, but it was also easily among the weirdest episodes I’ve ever seen. Let’s dole out some superlatives and you’ll see what I mean!
SEXIEST LISP: Nick V.
Nick V. — who got the first impression rose on the first night — scored the episode’s first one-on-one date with Andi and it was a relatively no frills affair (especially compared to what was in store for the rest of the episode). He and Andi took a walk on the beach in Santa Barbara, did some hiking and had a lovely dinner, where they deepened their natural connection and Nick proved that a subtle speech impediment can be quite sexy. My hunch is he’ll make it to final four, if not final two.
WORST RENDITION OF BOYZ II MEN’S “I’LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU”: Every Dude, Including The Opera Singer, Invited On This Week’s Group Date
The humiliating dates/challenges continue! This week’s group date thankfully did not involve pressuring the dudes to bump and grind for charity, but it did give them the opportunity to butcher a classic love song in front of the original artists at a “live concert.” Mind you, that “live concert” was kind of overly hyped — it was at a mall or something, not an stadium packed with hundreds of thousands of fans. I don’t know what’s sadder — their voices or the fact that Boyz II Men was doing this shit on “The Bachelorette” in the first place.
BIGGEST SIGN THAT ANDI IS A SECRET CRAZY GIRLFRIEND: Andi’s Prank On Cody
I don’t know how Cody the Unicorn is still around, but was I the only person who thought it was kind of crazy and mean of Andi to pull that little prank? Pulling Cody aside during the evening portion of the group date, Andi confronted Cody and pretended that some of the other guys told her he had a girlfriend back home. You could see the confusion and panic simultaneously washing over poor Cody’s face, until Andi finally revealed LOLOLOLOL SHE WAS JUST KIDDING ISN’T THAT FUNNY HAHAHAHAHA. I realize this isn’t real life, but if a guy I was just starting to get to know ever did that to me, I would be really put off.
MOST UNHINGED DATE: Andi & JJ “Grow Old Together”
Guys, I’ll just let the video of Andi and the Pantsapreneur’s date speak for itself. Expect this: What. The. Fuck.
HOTTEST KISS: Josh & Andi
I can spot a fellow dirty talker and something tells me Josh has got some great verbal skills in the sack…
MOST WHATEVS DEPARTURE: Ron Goes Home
Part of me thought that Ron’s reason for leaving would be revealed as bullshit, but it seems like he really did choose to go home because of a personal/family emergency. Bummer. I liked him.
STUPIDEST BRO DRAMA: Josh & JJ Confront Andrew
So apparently, a couple weeks prior, while the dudes were out to eat — Where were they out to eat? I didn’t think they could leave the fake mansion on the studio lot?? — a hostess gave Andrew her number and he bragged about it to some of the other guys. Now that JJ and Josh have started to fall for Andi — i.e. want to weed out the competition — they decided to make a mountain out of a mole hill and “confronted” Andrew about cheating on Andi by getting a chick’s number. For starters, anyone will two eyes and two ears can tell Andrew is gay. Secondly, who cares? I got the sense that the hostess gave HIM her number, that he didn’t ask for it, and that he was just bragging about it because men are fucking stupid sometimes. I mean, I think Andrew is annoying (and again, major gay vibes), but JJ and Josh puffin’ up their chests like a couple of male pigeons was really annoying as well. Looks like more goes down with this in tonight’s episode, though.
Roses: Josh, JJ, Nick, Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan and Andrew
Eliminated: Brett and Bradley