Worst Nightmare: 550 Lb. Snake Pile Massage

After spending the day wandering around a tourist-packed zoo, I can understand why you might be in need of a massage. So it’s cool that visitors to the Philippines Cebu City Zoo are entitled to a free massage as part of their entry fee. Too bad that massage is given by four giant — and deadly! — Burmese pythons.


For those of you who are planning a trip to Cebu City and are also insane enough to actually be interested in this, here’s how it works: you lay down on a flat, bamboo bed and the four snakes are laid on top of you, one by one. For 10-15 minutes, you lay there relaxing, as the 550 lb. combined weight of the snakes slowing slithering on top of you massages your muscles. Just don’t move. See, any sudden movements — say, because you’re panicking that you actually allowed yourself to be subjected to something so batcrackers — and Michelle, Walter, EJ and Daniel (that’s the snakes’ names) might confuse you for prey and react with their natural instinct to, you know, FUCK YOU UP. The zoo goes to great lengths, of course, to make sure that the gang is at least well fed before they give a massage, lessening the chances of one or all of them being like, “Hmm, this bitch smells TASTY.”

Zoo manager Giovanni Romarate told the UK’s Daily Mail, “Snakes do not attack as long as they are not harmed. We also made sure that we use pythons because they are not venomous.” Oh okay then. Cool. [Death And Taxes]