Woohoo! “The Bachelorette” is back! Andi Dorfman, last season’s tough talking DA who told Juan Pablo where to stick it, is basically this show’s ideal star. She’s pretty, she’s feisty and, most of all, she is desperate to find love and be engaged at the end. Unfortunately for her, the casting directors phoned it the fuck in this season, as over half of the dude contestants gave me MAJOR gay vibes and many of them are just straight up unattractive. Like, I’m pretty horny these days, and I would still need beer goggles to bring 95 percent of these dudebros home. If I was her, I would ask for a do over. Alas, the cards have been dealt and Chris Harrison has uttered those infamous words, “Let the journey begin!” Here’s this week’s recap — presented in superlatives!
BEST INTRO: Emil Introduces Himself
Meet Emil. I assumed his name was pronounced “Eh-Meel” but apparently I was wrong! It’s pronounced A-mel, LIKE ANAL but with an M. Sadly, Anal was shit of luck and didn’t get asked to stay at the rose ceremony. SHOCKER.
MOST LIKELY TO BE THE DARK HORSE: Carl
I had a hunch that Carl was going to be secretly hotter than his ABC profile photo let on — and I was right! In a suit instead of that terrible sweater hoodie, the tall and lean fireman seemed way more manly than boyish. I also liked his demeanor — sort of reserved, but in a mysterious, sexy way. I think he could be the sleeper hit of the season.
MOST LIKELY TO MAKE THE FINAL FOUR: Josh M.
From here on out, I will be referring to Josh M. as Florida Georgia Hairline, thanks to his perfectly, bizarrely arched hairline and sexy Southern accent. I thought he looked kind of douchey in his profile photo, but the minute he stepped out of the limo and opened his mouth, I was like, “OH HELLO.” I am such a sucker for a slow Southern drawl. Andi mentioned that Josh is exactly her type and hinted that she wonders if she hasn’t found love yet because she hasn’t branched out with who’s she dated, but she and Josh clicked and I suspect he’ll make it far, possibly even to the end.
BIGGEST DOWNER: Meeting Eric
Eric is the “Bachelorette” contestant who sadly passed away earlier this month, and the show paid tribute to him in the first few moments of the show. I’m not sure how long he’ll stick around — I think it’s pretty likely he doesn’t make it to the final four — but he and Andi definitely clicked and he was given a rose. Overall, it’s very sad and strange to watch someone on a reality show, knowing they’re no longer alive. Anyway, Eric actually seems like the coolest, smartest, most adventurous guy in the house and it’s such a shame that his life was cut short.
MOST OBVIOUS ATTEMPT AT EXTENDING HIS 15 MINUTES OF FAME: Former “Bachelorette” Contestant Chris B. Party Crashes
Chris Bukowski was on Emily Maynard’s season of “The Bachelorette” and appeared on “Bachelor Pad.” He apparently developed a crush on Andi after watching her last season, and decided to just show up at the studio lot where the house is located, roses in hand, hoping to woo his way onto the cast. He got DENIED. I actually think Andi’s rationale that letting him join them would be “unfair” was a little silly. Is she looking to find love or is this a contest with rules and advantages/disadvantages? That being said, it’s very possible she just wasn’t interested in him and that was her polite way of saying he should leave. Regardless, dude clearly spent every last dime on his trip out to LA and probably had to hitchhike home. Sorry, bro!
BIGGEST LITTLE BITCH: Josh B. Gets Eliminated, Acts Like A Brat About It
Hey, Josh B? You were one of a handful of dudes who got sent home. If you just walked away and gave a pleasant exit interview, no one would remember you, let alone think your short-lived appearance on “The Bachelorette” was something to be embarrassed about. But acting like a dick about it, bitching about how humiliating and lame it all is? That made you memorable — and not in a good way. Way to go!
First Impression Rose: Nick V.
Eliminated: Josh B., Rudie, Emil/Anal, plus Mike, Steven and Jason (the Fabios).