A new season of “The Bachelorette” starts on Monday, May 19, and ABC has finally given us a looksie at the 25 dude specimens who will be after Andi Dorfman’s final rose. Not to sound like Chris Harrison, but this season is already shaping up to have … THE WORST HAIR EVER. To make things a little easier, I’ve grouped the guys into six hair categories. Click onward to meet them all!
Ron: I might be in love. The 28-year-old beverage sales rep is originally from Israel, loves “Game of Thrones” and has cool taste in music (Drake, Frank Ocean).
Nick S.: I think Nick S. might actually be the first ever “Bachelorette” suitor with a receding hairline. This groundbreaker is 27 years old and a pro-golfer.
Marquel: Hot face, but I’m not feelin’ that pocket square and satin jacket. Marquel is 26 and likes eating cookies on Saturday nights, which I hope means “pussy” but I doubt it.
Chris: The 32-year-old farmer’s biggest first date fear is “accidental diarrhea” (as opposed to purposeful diarrhea?).
Cody: The personal trainer doesn’t have tattoos because “You don’t put bumper stickers on a Mercedes.” OMG SHUT UP you have a unicorn horn for hair.
Tasos: The 30-year-old wedding event coordinator has a bulldog named Tank and used to pretend to be a Thundercat so I’m kind of questioning his sexuality.
Emil: The 33-year-old helicopter pilot likes to twerk!
Josh M.: Is it just me, or does Josh have a strange hairline? Anyway, he used to be a pro-baseball player and is the third dude in this cast to have a bulldog.
Craig: The 29-year-old tax accountant admits he once puked on a date. “=(”
Brian: This knucklehead is one of those dudes who’s into “natural” beauties and is looking for “someone that doesn’t need to make up to look beautiful.” STANK EYE.
Mike: I feel like Mike is a long-lost Swedish relative of Teresa Giudice because they have the same forehead and hairline. That is all I have to say about him.
Jason: This 35-year-old urgent care physician has Angela Chase’s haircut before she dyed it Crimson Glow.
Steven: Steven is the undeniable stud of the Fabios, but his favorite actor is GERARD BUTLER. Whut.
Patrick: Unfortunately, Patrick must have missed his calling as a Superman impersonator, which explains why he wishes he could fly.
Marcus: The most interesting thing about this guy is he’s from a town called “Medicine Hat.”
Eric: I just realized that Eric is the contestant that passed away shortly after filming, so I don’t want to make fun of him.
Carl: He’s a firefighter from Hollywood with a bulldog named Archie, which makes me think he might be hotter than his T-shirt hoodie lets on.
JJ: If you think his sweater is eye-catching wait till you see what this “Pantsapreneur” (seriously) is wearing on his lower half…
Josh B.: Does the B stand for BLAH? I can’t find anything interesting to call out about this dude. Cute though!
Brett: Brett’s a hairdresser who CLEARLY missed a few spots on his own head. Proceed with caution.
Bradley: Bradley wants to build a church some day
Nick V.: Nick looks like a John Krasinski and Jason Segel had a baby, huh?
Dylan: If I didn’t know better, I would think Dylan was my 5th grade crush all grown up with that haircut.
Rudie: The 31-year-old’s thoughts on the Dalai Lama: “He’s rad and one super-happy dude!”
Andrew: Would hit it.